It Could Have Been Perfect
by CiCi-Star
Summary: Ryan and Taylor are happily living together in Berkeley. But when a surprise party leaves everyone shocked, relationships and futures are tested. Will Ryan and Taylor make it through?
1. Prologue

**It Could Have Been Perfect**

Well, not really sure where i'm going with this, I imagined one scene and it wouldn't go away so it turned into this: My first ever multi-chapter fic! Please let me know wot you think!

Prologue

Taylor adjusted her hair, adding more grips to hold any loose strands in place, and then checked over her make-up once more in the mirror. Perfect. She gave a satisfied nod at her reflection and stood up, smoothing out any wrinkles in her black dress. She looked great, just like she had planned to.

It was her birthday and this time, unlike her 19th birthday, she really was being given a surprise party. The only problem with this party was that she already knew about it, and therefore, effectively ruining the 'surprise' factor.

But that didn't matter anyway, she was a great actress, she'd just act surprised and no one would be any the wiser. And, if by chance someone did happen to figure out that she knew then she would just blame Ryan.

After all it was his fault she had found out about the party.

A few weeks back she had noticed that he had been acting strange. She had walked into the room a couple of times whilst he had been on the phone and as soon as he noticed she was there he hung up, and he had began to close the door to his office at home, which he never did before. She tried not to read too much into it at first, but she couldn't shake away her suspicions when he told her that he was spending the day with Seth and to not expect him home for dinner.

Okay, so that wasn't exactly suspicion rousing information.

What had caught her attention though was that when she called Summer to arrange a girl's day out, what with both their men gone, Summer had informed her that she and Seth were actually looking after Sophie for the day. They were trying to get in as much practice as possible. Taylor had laughed and said that she must have gotten mixed up, but as soon as the phone was cradled back in its receiver she had her game face on.

Ryan had come down the stairs and kissed her goodbye on the cheek. As soon as he had left she raced up the stairs and grabbed the large white and black stripped hat she had used the first time she had come back from France, and her Jackie-O style sunglasses. Her disguise good to go, she had followed Ryan's car.

The whole time following him, she had began to think the worst, not even music could dislodge the grim thoughts that this mission would end with her finding Ryan with another woman. She had tried to think back to what she could have done to drive him away, their sex life was still good. At least she thought. Had she done something wrong, had he just lost interest?

Her thoughts drifted back over the last 7 years that she and Ryan had been together. They had started out with some problems, with Ryan not quite being over Marissa's death and her French husband showing up, but they had helped each other over come all of them eventually and when Taylor got back from France the third time, it hadn't taken them long for them to move in together. They had chosen to stay in Berkeley to be close to the rest of the Cohen's and Cooper-Roberts-Atwood clan.

For over two years now she had felt like she had been floating along in a bubble of happiness, such that she had never previously thought possible. She and Ryan had been closer than ever, she enjoyed her job and had great friends. All in all, an amazing life. Now she was about to find out if her bubble was about to be burst.

She had been so distracted she hadn't even realised that she had followed Ryan to Newport. Although, she had come back a few times to visit her mother, Ryan hadn't been back to Newport since he and the Cohen's had moved to Berkley. Or at least not that she had been aware of.

She watched him pull up to the valet of the yacht club and hand his keys to the guy standing on the curb. She had to duck her head a little when she saw that he had stopped and looked around before going in. Once she had been sure that he had gone in, she got out of her car and made her way to the entrance. She didn't see him right away, but she'd heard the distinct larger than life voice of the club president greet him out on the balcony area. Keeping as out of view as possible she manoeuvred to the door leading to the outside, so that she had been able to hear everything.

Ryan asked what kind of decorations would be available, how the tables would be set up, where the band was going to go, and when Mr President asked him why he was coming all the way from Berkeley, she had been able to picture the small smile on his face when he had replied by saying that it was a place where something special had happened.

She was sure that her heart had stopped beating for a second, and she had been paralyzed by pain. She believed that all her terrible thoughts in the car had just been confirmed. Ryan had met someone else, on a trip to Newport, that she hadn't known about, and that it was 'special'. She had been so wrapped up in her distress she hadn't realised that the men had started to head back inside. Panicked, she had hid behind the only available thing- a tall, thin plant.

It was only when Ryan had said her name that she realised the plant did nothing to hide the wide brim of her hat, or, well, her. It had taken Ryan a while to calm Taylor, once the initial pain had passed, and never having been one for keeping things in, Taylor had let Ryan know how she felt. Although she had barely been eloquently expressing herself, he had gotten the gist and began laughing.

No, Ryan hadn't met someone else and no, he wasn't laughing at her pain. He had been laughing because he shouldn't have expected anything less from Taylor. He had taken her hand, and looked into her eyes, making sure she heard every word, and told her she was the special thing that had happened here. Their first kiss.

"Wow. You look…wow."

Turning around Taylor faced Ryan, dressed up in a dark suit with a shirt and tie, he didn't look too bad himself.

He held his hand out for her to take, smiling in the way he does around her, he asked,

"Shall we go?"

**TBC**

Reviews are love! 


	2. Surprise

**A/N: **Sorry for taking so long to update, had a little trouble with my Internet connection! Also, thank you for all your reviews!

Enjoy!

**Chapter One- Surprise!**

"Where are we going?"

Ryan turned his head to look at Taylor, confused he replied, "You know where we're going Taylor. To Newport."

"Oh, I know that."

"Then, why are you asking?"

Smiling at her own plan, Taylor turned her body towards Ryan explaining, "I wanted to get in character. You know…so that it would be more believable that I didn't know about the party if I start from now."

He grinned a little at just how adorable his girlfriend could be, and shook his head wondering for what felt like the millionth time just where she got some of her ideas from.

"Right. Well, I'm sorry I can't tell you where we're going Taylor," he told her in a mock serious tone, trying to not laugh at the same time, "You'll just have to wait and find out."

Taylor pouted a little, although inside she was glad that Ryan was playing along. She reached over and began playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. Ryan gripped the steering wheel tighter.

Taylor leaned in closer towards Ryan's ear and whispered, "Not _even_ if I ask really nicely?"

After a few deep breaths, Ryan forced out, "Well you could but then we'd never make it to where we're going. And we couldn't have that now."

"Spoil sport."

"You could always try 'asking me nicely' later on tonight." He teased.

She laughed and sat back in her seat, noticing that they were nearly there, "That'll depend on how tonight goes. But I'm guessing you'll be a shoe in for getting lucky."

"SURPRISE!!"

Walking out on to the balcony area, Taylor realized she really didn't need to act to be surprised. Although she knew about the party, looking around at how beautifully decorated it was and all the faces of her friends and family, she was blown away.

"Oh my gosh, this is…" She turned and looked at Ryan, who had walked in behind her and was now stood to one side; he just gave her a shy smile and a wink.

"Taylor Townsend appears to be lost for words. Remember this moment people; it's one of those rare phenomenon's that happens once in a lifetime!" Seth laughed at his own joke and came up to Taylor and gave her a kiss on the cheek, "Happy birthday Taylor."

A few paces behind Seth, Summer waddled up to greet the birthday girl.

"Sum, you're getting so big!" Taylor exclaimed running her hands over the belly protruding from beneath Summer's flowing dress.

"Yes I know," elbowing Seth out of the way, "Thanks for making me as big as a house, Cohen."

The girls grinned at each other as Seth rubbed his side and pulled a face, he was about to reply but was cut off by Summer pulling Taylor into as much of a hug as she could with her belly in between, before he could say anything.

"Happy birthday, sweetie! Atwood really went all out for you! These day's I'm lucky if Seth brings me orange juice in the morning."

"Hey, I take offence to that. I went all out to buy you ice cream and gherkins."

Taylor scrunched up her nose at Summer's new choice of food.

"And I love you for it." Summer replied.

"Ahh, well what my baby wants, my baby gets.'

"Cohen!" Summer punched Seth's arm as he was talking to her stomach and not her, "Up here, I am more than an oven for the bun you know!"

Taylor laughed and looked around at the strings of fairy lights woven through the shrubbery and hung on the walls, the candles on each table and balloons bouncing softly in the wind to the time of the music of the band, Taylor smiled widely. Her eyes shining with all the love and appreciation she felt for Ryan, she sighed, "I don't even know how Ryan found the time to do all this. He's been working so hard lately."

Taylor was greeted by the rest of the Cohen's and Julie and Frank and gasped in delight when she saw that even her friends from the paper where she worked had made it down.

Sarah, her closet friend at work, had rushed up to Taylor with her favourite drink in hand. As the two sipped on their Cosmo's, Taylor found Ryan amongst the crowd of people.

Noticing her friends gaze she commented, "You're one lucky girl you know that. I'd give anything to find a man like yours."

Taylor smiled at her friend, "Don't worry I'm sure you'll find your perfect guy someday. I am lucky to have found mine. I can't believe he put this together for me. It was sooo unexpected!"

Sarah eyed Taylor suspiciously, "You knew didn't you?"

"What?"

"You can't fool me, Townsend. You knew about the party didn't you?

"I don't know what you're talking about." Taylor replied feigning innocence whilst trying to hide her smile behind her glass. Sarah saw it, but decided to let it go.

"Whatever you say."

A while later the party was in full swing, the cake had been cut and pictures had been taken. Now people were sitting around talking at tables or mingling with each other and even a few couples had began to slow dance in front of the band.

As she stood watching the boats in the marina below bob up and down on the water, Taylor felt an arm wrap around her waist. So familiar was she to his touch she instantly knew who it was and lent back against his chest.

"Have I told you how much I love you tonight?"

Ryan rested his chin on her shoulder, "No, not tonight I don't think."

Taylor turned around in his arms, looping hers around his neck, "Thank you so much for doing this for me."

Ryan brushed her bangs to one side and cupped her face in his hand, whispering, "I'd do anything for you."

He lent in and kissed her softly, bringing his other hand up to her cheek he deepened the kiss, telling her how much he loved her with his lips without saying a word. Taylor let out a contented sigh when they pulled apart.

Over Ryan's shoulder she could see Sandy and Kirsten moving in a perfect rhythm to the music, still so much in love, three kids and so many years later since they had first met. She looked at them and knew that it wasn't easy, it took hard work, understanding, respect and a lot of love to get to where they were now; but it was what she had always wanted. To be with someone and have a love that was felt in astounding ripples by all those around them.

She was beginning to believe that that was what she was going to have with Ryan.

"Do you want to dance?"

"I'd love to."

She took his hand and he led her to the middle of the dance floor. Ryan pulled her close and nodded to the guy in the band. As they began to move the music changed as the band started a new song.

"This is my favourite song," Taylor looked at Ryan who smiled and then over to the lead singer, who nodded his head at the couple. "You got them to play this? Just when I thought you couldn't get anymore perfect, Ryan Atwood."

She snuggled closer to Ryan's shoulder, inhaling his scent. They moved together, oblivious of the world around and unaware of the commotion that was happening near the doors. It was only when they heard the reverberating bang of a platter of food falling to the floor did Taylor look over.

"Ryan! Stop! Get back here!"

Confused, Taylor looked at Ryan and then the woman chasing the source of the disruption through the crowds. Everything became quiet. The only thing Taylor heard was Ryan breath in sharply.

"Theresa."

**TBC**


	3. Just When You Thought It Was Safe

**A/N: Okay, so to explain- everything is pretty much the same as through seasons 1-4 except that in The College Try, Kirsten never told Ryan she saw Theresa at the airport and so Ryan never knew about Theresa's son and she never tells him he's not his. She also never goes with Ryan to prom, obviously. It just works with my story.**

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter Two- Just When You Thought It Was Safe**

_Everything became quiet. The only thing Taylor heard was Ryan breath in sharply._

"_Theresa."_

As Taylor sat on the end of their bed she let out a weary sigh. She was tired and certain that she was still more than a little tipsy; she never could hold her wine.

She squeezed her eyes shut. Her head was aching, probably the result of too much wine, and too many surprises. They didn't exactly make for the best combination.

Toeing off her shoes, she took out her earrings and cupped them in her hands. They were a present from Ryan for their five-year anniversary. Moving over to the vanity she placed them back in the box she had taken them out of earlier that evening.

The mirror displayed her reflection, one that was now far from perfect. Her eye make-up was smudged and her styled hair had fallen loose.

Her perfect party hadn't gone to plan.

Although the other guests seemed like they had continued to enjoy the rest of the evening, she simply couldn't, not with the looks passing between the Cohens, which she was certain meant more than, 'Hey, look, we've got a gate-crasher'.

Taylor felt like she was missing a piece of a puzzle, and no one was exactly forth coming. She was fobbed off with an 'I'm sure it's nothing' from Summer and 'it's probably best if you ask Ryan' from Kirsten.

So, without any other choice, she had waited for Ryan to come and explain. Only, she had a feeling that the explanation wasn't going to be one she wanted to hear.

The arrival of her mother certainly hadn't helped.

Yes, Veronica Townsend had had somewhat of an epiphany after the earthquake that hit six years ago, but it didn't last. She had reverted back to acting the only way she knew how and knew best.

And her brief period with pleasantries hadn't taken the edge of her sharp words.

"_Taylor. I came to _your _birthday party and you're sat here in the corner. Why did I even bother?" Veronica almost hissed._

"_Mother." Taylor reached over and refilled her glass of wine; she was going to need it. "How are you?"_

"_What, have you only just realised that people just like parties and not the person there're meant for?" Veronica looked down at her daughter, sat at the empty table save for the bottle of wine and single glass. "I would go easy with the wine as well, lord knows you could do without the calories in it."_

"_I was actually just waiting for Ryan." Taylor hadn't looked at her mother yet; her eyes were focused on Ryan as he talked to Theresa. They seemed deep in discussion on the other side of the room._

_Veronica Townsend followed Taylor's gaze._

"_You lost your boyfriend to another girl on your birthday." She smirked, "I knew it wouldn't last long, you never did have what it took to keep a man. You couldn't even do it with marriage."_

"_She's an old friend of his, and I left Henri-Michel, mom. I wanted the divorce, I didn't love him."_

"_And that guy there," she flicked her head in Ryan's direction and scoffed, "he loves you?"_

"_Yes. Ryan does love me." It still irked Taylor that her mother wouldn't use Ryan's name and overlooked the fact that they had been together for over five years._

"_Then why is he over there and you're here alone?"_

_Taylor's heart constricted a little and the lump she had been forcing down was rising in her throat again. Her insecurities always grew 10 fold around Veronica Townsend._

"_Mother, why don't you go and get a drink or there's food if you want."_

"_I'm not staying." _

_With that Veronica Townsend strutted out the way she came in._

_Taylor finished the rest of her wine, being in her mother's presence was draining. She could feel a headache beginning to form behind her eyes, and she rubbed her fingers over her forehead to relieve some of the tension. Veronica's words were ringing in her ears._

_She would not cry. She would NOT cry._

_Ryan did love her, and everything was going to be fine. Then why did she have that niggling feeling that Theresa's presence was going to cause her bubble to burst?_

_A hand squeezed her shoulder gently and she looked up to see Seth standing over her. He smiled and pulled out the chair next to hers._

"_And just when you thought it was safe to come back to Newport, you get the drama. I saw your mom leave, you ok?"_

"_As ok as I'll ever be. To be honest I didn't think she'd turn up. But it looks like my luck ran out earlier this evening."_

_Seth glanced over to Ryan, "I told Ryan he should have stuck with Berkeley, but would he listen? No, Kid Chino wanted to go all sentimental and come back here. That's what he gets for upping the ante."_

"_Upping the ante?"_

"_Yep, because of this surprise party he threw for you, I know Summer is going to want something special when the baby's born, and that means more work for me."_

"_Seth, you stay home everyday drawing comics."_

"_Yes, but you forgot to factor in that I also run a large business."_

"_It runs itself, or at least the people that work for you run it. You basically do as little as possible." She pointed out._

"_And that was my master plan, which is now ruined by having to think of ways to top this. Having his ex-girlfriend turn up is Ryan's karmic come-uppance."_

'_Ex-girlfriend'. _

_And there it was, the pin that popped her bubble. Taylor took a few deep, calming breaths. It was ok, it didn't have to mean anything. They were just over there catching up. There was no need to panic about the fact that their conversation seemed a little intense._

"_Seth," Taylor hadn't realised he had still been talking and cut him off mid sentence, "Can you excuse me?" She stood up and made her way over to Ryan and Theresa._

_Seth remained sitting for a while; as usual it took him a few seconds to connect the dots of what he had just said. When he looked up he caught the eyes of one very angry pregnant woman and decided to excuse himself to somewhere that was away, far away from any hormonally charged punches that may have been thrown at him._

_As Taylor approached the pair their conversation came to an abrupt end._

"_Taylor, uh, meet Theresa," Ryan introduced, "she's an old friend, from Chino."_

"_You mean ex-girlfriend." Taylor smiled and held out her hand._

_Theresa glanced at Ryan before she took Taylor's hand and smiled in return, "That was a long, long time ago."_

"_So, from Chino huh? What brings you to Newport?"_

"_Well I was just here for dinner with-"_

"_Mom, I found him. Look, he only got as far as the bushes."_

_Holding up what appeared to be a frog, a young boy with sandy brown hair came to a stop in front of them._

_Theresa smiled uncomfortably and looked at Ryan. She put her arm around the boy and turned him towards Taylor and Ryan. Taylor found herself looking into eyes of a familiar shade of blue._

"_This is my son. Ryan, meet Taylor and Ryan."_

"_Hey, you've got the same name as me. Cool."_

"_Yeah." Ryan's usual closed features were betrayed this time by the astonishment he was obviously feeling. _

_And Taylor knew that it was now time to be worried._

Slipping under the covers of their bed Taylor curled up into the foetal position. She heard Ryan come into the room. The other side of the bed dipped where he sat down.

She started to feel a bit guilty, she hadn't spoken to him the entire journey home; she had pretended to be sleeping. But she had needed time to process everything.

Ryan had gotten as far as explaining that when he and Theresa were together she had gotten pregnant before Taylor had stopped him and told him she wanted to go home.

She was drunk, and it was her birthday and she wanted to hear this when she was sober and on a day that was not her birthday. Yes, that may have been selfish of her, but having never been in a situation remotely similar to this, she hadn't known how else to act.

Ryan had undressed and sat back down on his side of the bed. When she heard him let out a long sigh she turned over to see him sitting with hunched shoulders and his head hanging so his chin was close to his chest.

She ran her hand down his back,

"Hey."

"Are you still mad? Cos if you'll just let me-"

"I wasn't ever mad at you, Ryan. I just had too much to drink. Can we just get some sleep, and talk about everything in the morning?"

Ryan shifted closer to Taylor under the covers and wrapped her up in his arms.

"I love you," he whispered as he kissed the top of her head.

"I know."

She remained still in his arms; eyes wide open looking at the moon in the sky outside their window, wondering what tomorrow would bring.

**TBC**

**So not entirely happy with this chapter, I was having trouble with my inspiration, but had to get it out of the way.**


	4. I'm Not Alright

**A/N:** So, sorry you guys had to wait so long for an update I was a bit stuck but all your reviews really helped so thank you. And a special thank you to my beta- _**Lesley**_, she has been great and I could not appreciate her efforts more!

Lastly; **enjoy!**

**Chapter Three – I'm Not Alright**

_She remained still in his arms; eyes wide open looking at the moon in the sky outside their window, wondering what tomorrow would bring._

The day did not reflect her mood.

Outside was bright; the sky was the kind of blue that really made you stop and look up in wonder. It made you feel so insignificant and so special at the same time. With the sun edging its way through its journey in the sky, it looked to be a good day, weather wise.

And as far as Taylor was concerned, that was where the good day stopped, with the weather.

She had woken to find herself alone in bed. Squinting at the clock she realised it was because she had spent the better half of the morning asleep. Ryan never slept in late and normally neither would she; sleep was unproductive.

Grabbing her terry cloth robe from the back of the door, she shuffled her bunny, slipper clad feet into the kitchen following the aroma of fresh coffee like a zombie.

That's how all hangovers started with Taylor, the first few moments were spent cursing alcohol and seeking out her favourite caffeinated beverage. Then, once the caffeine had made its way into her system she became somewhat human again, able to hold conversations, and brave sunlight.

The smell of coffee was strong in the kitchen and she had expected to find Ryan there, but as she entered she found it was empty. Pouring herself a cup, she sat down on the bar stool at the end of the worktop.

She was glad that Ryan wasn't there, they had a lot to talk about, things they should have talked about last night, but this was important stuff, stuff that could have a monumental effect on their relationship and she'd be damned if she was going to be half cut or anything less than 100 when it happened.

As Taylor sipped her coffee, she wondered how Ryan must be feeling. Having spent the night processing everything, she pushed her own thoughts and feelings aside to think about him.

Ryan could be a father.

There, plain as day. He could possibly be a father to a child he didn't even know he had; to a child that his ex-girlfriend had kept from him. Taylor knew that, even though he shouldn't, he would be wracked with guilt for having not been there for his son. For having missed so many years and important events of his life. All this was after he got through the anger he was bound to be feeling towards Theresa for lying to him for so long.

Taylor couldn't understand why Theresa had kept Ryan's child from him; didn't she think that Ryan had a right to know? Was she that callous, to bring Ryan's child into the world and not even tell him? That was if the child was actually Ryan's.

Drinking the last of the cold coffee, she stood up to get another. As she poured the black liquid into her cup she heard the door to the apartment open and close, followed by heavy footsteps. She turned to find Ryan walking into the kitchen wiping the sweat from his furrowed brow and the back of his neck with a towel. He made his way to the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of mineral water, downing half the bottle in one go. So deep in thought, it was obvious he hadn't noticed Taylor.

"Hey."

He looked up at her, startled, and for a moment his face showed confusion as though he didn't recognise who she was. Then his features softened and he attempted a smile.

"Hey, you're up. How you feeling?" He moved over to the bar and pulled out the second stool, sitting down heavily he began to rotate one shoulder.

"Fine," she replied breezily, thinking it better for him to lead the conversation. They needed to talk and she didn't want Ryan shutting down on her. "Well, I will be after the caffeine from this coffee works its way through my system. Lord knows how much I drank last night, cos it seems like one cup isn't enough today."

She sat back down again and cradled the steaming cup in both hands.

"How was your run?"

"Good."

There was a pause in the conversation, each knowing what had to be brought up and neither making a move to do so. Ryan was unsure of how to start, Taylor's reaction last night hadn't been good when he tried to explain, but then again she had been drunk and told him that the morning was when they would talk.

And now, here it was, morning, and he had to say something.

"Taylor, about last night…" He trailed off, he wasn't good at talking at the best of times and right then, he had a million thoughts and emotions running through his mind.

Taylor waited for him to continue. Ryan came from the class of schooled features, but after years together, she could read his eyes, they told her everything he didn't. Right now she could see he was struggling. She laid a hand over his fist and squeezed gently.

"It's ok Ryan, I'm ready to hear it all now. Why don't you just start from the beginning?" she encouraged.

He opened his fist and entwined their fingers, doing just that.

He told her how when he and Theresa had been together she had gotten pregnant and he moved back to Chino to be with her. But then when he had gone to visit Seth in Portland, she had called and told him the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. She had lost the baby.

Ryan explained that Theresa had told him to go back to Newport with the Cohens; that he had a life there and he didn't belong with her. He didn't want to be with her. His guilt began to creep onto his face.

"I shouldn't have accepted everything so easily, I should have gone back to Chino."

"Ryan, don't. Don't feel guilty for something that's not your fault."

"How could it not be? We were going to have a baby and instead of thinking about that I was too wrapped up in the life I'd left in Newport."

"That didn't give her the right to lie to you."

Ryan stood up and began pacing the length of the kitchen. He needed an outlet for his anger and frustration at the situation, his run having relieved none of it. He was angry at himself for walking away without questioning anything and for not going back when Theresa told him they had lost the baby. When she had lied. How could Theresa have done that; how could she have kept something so important from him?

"You could question every decision you make but it's not going to the change the situation you're in. There's a child to think about now, feeling guilty isn't going to help, neither is being angry at Theresa when you have to sort this out."

Taylor's reasoning stopped Ryan short, she was right, there was a child to think about now, his child. His son.

Ryan had spent so much of his time focusing on Theresa lying to him and feeling guilty about the way he acted at the time, that he had completely neglected to let the fact that he was a father sink in.

Now that he had, it floored him. There was a little boy that was going to be calling him "Dad", and relying on him completely. It was enough to scare anybody.

"Woah." It came out in all but a whisper.

"Are you OK?" Taylor asked, concerned.

"Yeah, I just didn't think about it before."

Now she was confused, "Think about what?"

"That I'm a father. That I have a son." Ryan rested his palms on the edge of the worktop as if to support the extra weight from saying it out loud.

Taylor frowned, she knew he wasn't going to like what she was about to say but someone had to bring it up. It was now obvious that Ryan hadn't even thought about it, he had accepted the whole thing already.

"So, when are you going to talk to Theresa?"

"Today. This afternoon."

"And, um, are you going to ask for a paternity test?" Taylor held her breath as she waited for a response. It was a logical step, to have a DNA test confirm that Ryan was actually the father, but it implied so many things.

"I've known Theresa a long time, she was my best friend growing up. She wouldn't lie now, about this. Plus, you saw him, how could I not be?"

This was what she had been afraid of. Taylor wanted to make Ryan see her point but she didn't want to fight with him about it. Walking over to the sink for time, she rinsed out her cup.

"It's just that this is going to have a massive impact on your life, Ryan." She started slowly, "On _all_ our lives. Don't you want to know, for sure, on more than just looks? And it's not as if she hasn't lied to you before."

Ryan turned around to face her, arms crossed.

"You don't understand. She lied before because of me, thinking that it would have better for her to raise the baby alone because I didn't want to be there. I know he's mine, I'm not asking for the test."

"Ryan…" Taylor reached out her hand, but before she made contact he moved.

"I'm going for a shower." He picked up his towel and bottle of water before heading out the kitchen for the bedroom.

Taylor heard the slight bang of the bedroom door being shut as she was left standing alone in the kitchen.

The afternoon quiet of the apartment was broken by the sound of the phone. Irrationally the thought that it could be Ryan flashed across Taylor's mind. After their disagreement that morning he had showered and got ready, briefly letting her know that he was heading to the office to pick up some paperwork and then he was going to meet Theresa.

Taylor had wanted to go along with him but she knew he would have said no, even if they hadn't fought.

She picked up the phone with a 'Hello' that lacked all her usual chipper-ness.

"Oh my god! You'll never believe what happened to me last night." A voice squealed from the other end of the line.

Sarah. Her dear, oblivious friend, Sarah.

They had met on Taylor's first day working at The Berkeley Herald. Taylor had been offered a job to write a weekly column after the features editor had been shown her blog and was impressed by her writing style. Sarah had been a researcher at the time and the two had met after passing each other several times to and from the coffee machine. And that was just on the first day.

A bond was formed over their love for coffee, which Taylor picked up her second year in France, and their friendship grew from there.

Sarah was so unlike Taylor in many ways; she was unorganised, perpetually late, flighty, and at times oblivious to some of the things around her. That's not to say she was a bad person or friend, these, some times annoying, traits were done with such innocence that they were what endeared her to so many people. And her good qualities far outweighed them; she was kind and caring, considerate and loyal to a fault. If you needed a friend she was always in your corner.

"Ok, I'll tell you. I think I met my Ryan at your party."

"Excuse me?"

"You know, my equivalent to your Ryan, 'The One.'" Taylor could hear Sarah practically grinning down the phone. As troubled as she was with her own situation, she couldn't help but be happy for her friend. Sarah's bad luck with men was somewhat legendary, she never seemed to find a good guy.

The last guy Sarah had dated had gone on and on about his 'weekend house' that he was renovating. After a month of dating he had asked if she had wanted to go with him there for the weekend. When Sarah came back she refused to talk about it at first. It was only after much cajoling from Taylor and with the help of a couple of after work Cosmos, that she revealed the details.

He had in fact taken her, then promptly disappeared to play golf, but not before asking if she'd like to help out a little bit, to which she replied 'of course', after all she was trying to impress him still. He had handed her a paintbrush and pot of paint and told her she could finish one of the bedrooms if she had worked fast. Taylor had been suitable horrified, and her shock only increased when Sarah told her that she had done the painting instead of high tailing it out of there! Sarah's story finished on a high note though, after the guy came back, he berated her about her brushwork- she smudged a bit because the ladder wasn't long enough- to which she replied by dumping the rest of the paint on his head and strutting out, taking the first taxi home.

"Really? What's his name?" Taylor questioned, running through the possible guests in her mind that it could be.

"James, he was really sweet, just perfect. Why haven't you told him about me before or tried to set me up? You know I'm always asking. Anyway, we got to talking and the next thing I knew we were back at his place."

"Sarah, there wasn't anybody called James at my party because I don't know a James. Wait, you ended up back at his place? Did you sleep with him?" Taylor asked incredulously. She was all for the sexual revolution and women seen as sexual beings without being scorned, but she worried about Sarah, she always started relationships with rose tinted glasses.

"No. Well, yes. But you don't have to say it like that, we just got on so well. There was that click. Are you sure you don't know him? He was at the club."

"Inside or out?"

"Inside, I met him asking for directions to the bathroom."

Taylor shook her head laughing a little. The Yacht Club wasn't small by any means but to get lost finding the bathroom was something only Sarah could accomplish.

"No, I don't know him. The guests for the party were outside."

"Well, that's neither here nor there. He's definitely The One. Except," There was a pause as Sarah took a deep breath, "Except, he's divorced. And has a child, a five year old girl."

Taylor was stunned for words. Sarah hadn't been kidding when she said she had found her Ryan. A small sound escaped her lips, a hybrid of a laugh and a hiccup. It was followed by another more distinguishable laugh. Then before Taylor knew it she was crying from laughing.

"Taylor," Sarah's worried voiced cut through her hysterics, "Sweetie, are you alright?"

Then the dam broke and her tears were followed by small sobs.

"N…no. I…I'm n…not alright."

**TBC**

_Good? Bad? Hit the button and let me know!_


	5. A Right To Know

I guess this is something I should have put at the top of the first chapter, but I own nothing. I'm sure you guys already knew that though! Lol!

This chapter is a bit of a long one…so hope you guys enjoy!

**000000**

**Chapter 4- A Right To Know**

_Then the dam broke and her tears were followed by small sobs._

"_N…no. I…I'm n…not alright."_

**000000**

Ryan sat alone in a booth in the far corner of the diner, his elbows resting on the table in front of him as he massaged his temples with his fingers.

He had slept badly last night; drifting in and out of sleep, thoughts flitting their way through his conscious and unconscious brain. He had fallen asleep with Taylor in his arms, as he had done every night they had spent together. However, instead of waking up to find her still there, as he was so used to, they had somehow moved to opposite sides of the bed throughout the night. He didn't believe in signs and he wasn't about to believe that that was a sign of things to come.

That was a stupid thought. They were stronger than signs.

A healthy dose of new guilt washed over him, he needed to apologise for snapping at Taylor. Ryan knew that she was just thinking about him, being logical, and it wasn't as if he hadn't thought about a paternity test. The first time around that this was all happening nearly 10 years ago, Ryan had known then that there was a chance the baby wasn't his. He had been willing to take the test then, but things were different now. He _knew_ that Ryan was his. He had looked at him and just known. It wasn't the fact that Ryan looked exactly like him. It was more than that, he couldn't explain how he knew, but he just did.

It was that feeling he knew he couldn't explain that made him snap. Ryan needed Taylor to trust him with this. That's why he hadn't told Taylor about Eddie and the uncertainty surrounding paternity from so long ago. Somewhere inside, a voice was telling him that he was going to regret that decision; that she was going to find out eventually. But if he had told her, Ryan knew that she would have pushed the subject a lot harder, which he didn't need right now; and she would have trusted Theresa even less than she did already.

Trust.

Inside he laughed bitterly over the word. Here he was so worried about how much his girlfriend trusted his ex, when _he_ was the one she had lied to. Theresa had broken his trust.

His heart rate increased as he felt a flicker, the start of a burning sensation, spark deep inside him. His hands formed tight fists. Ryan needed an explanation; what was she thinking, why did she do it?

The anger that he had been directing at himself since yesterday had been slowly doing a 180, and the more he though about it, the more his anger started to become directed towards Theresa. His guilt was still there. It was all mixed in together to form a particular shade of stormy grey that clouded his mind.

Some of it had cleared during his talk with Taylor. Her words had been an awaking, _'it's not going to change the situation you're in'_, and he had them on replay in his mind, hoping they would clear more of the fog; hoping that it would make this meeting with Theresa go easier, because when it comes to sorting things out, checking in the guilt, anger and accusations at the door, would definitely make things go easier.

The sound of the bell above the door of the diner rang out over the din of voices and cutlery, Ryan looked up to see Theresa scanning the crowd for him. He sat up straight and she looked his way.

"Hey." Her voice was quiet and her smile was uneasy, she obviously didn't know what to expect from him. It had been so long, would he be like he was before?

Taking one final deep breath he replied, "Hey."

Following Ryan's gesture Theresa sat down on the seat opposite, keeping her bag tucked in close to her, as though she could just grab it and make for a quick getaway if this got too heavy.

"So, he's not with you?" Ryan asked.

"No, he's at my mom's. He goes there every Sunday."

"Oh, right." Ryan hadn't expected Theresa to bring him, that wouldn't have been the best idea. But a part of him had been hoping she would.

"How have you been, Ryan?" That was a good a place to start as any.

Ryan laughed dryly, "I've been better. Finding out you have a son kind of knocks you back."

"Right." She looked down at her hands, she hadn't known what to expect but she didn't think that they would have started _that_ conversation so quickly. But then again who had she been kidding?

"Were you ever gonna tell me?" His voice was hard and the flicker from before seemed to have increased in size now with her sitting right in front of him.

"No," Again her voice was quiet. "I was hoping I'd never have to." Theresa knew that saying anything but the truth now was pointless, the situation was already bad as it was, and there was no need to add to it.

"Just like that," Ryan seethed, the promise he made to himself earlier, to reign in his feelings, having been forgotten, "You were going to keep this from me. If we hadn't accidentally met, you were going to keep him from me, for what? Forever?"

"Yes, Ryan. Forever." Her voice was firm, "It was better that way. You were getting the life you deserved, the life you wanted." Theresa knew to expect anger, but she wasn't going to back down. She still believed that her reasons for what she did back then were valid.

"And I didn't deserve to know about my son? Or did you just assume that I didn't want to know, along with the life you assumed I wanted?"

"Being with me, bringing up a baby in Chino wasn't what you wanted Ryan, and you proved that by not putting up much of a fight when I told you to go back. I made a choice."

Ryan banged his fist down hard on the table, "I HAD A RIGHT TO KNOW ABOUT MY SON!"

A few people in the surrounding booths dared a glance at the arguing couple; Ryan ignored them. She had hit a nerve, voicing the biggest guilt he had.

Theresa didn't reply.

"Regardless of what you thought I wanted, I can't believe you lied to me about something so important."

"Regardless of the fact that I _knew_ it wasn't what you wanted, I did what was best."

Ryan began to say something but Theresa held up a hand,

"What you had back then," she continued, "Living with the Cohens, was an opportunity to make something of yourself, to have a future. I didn't want to hold you back from that. And look at what it brought you. You're an architect, with a degree and a good job."

"It's not as if having a baby held you back."

"Having the baby was a risk, but I got lucky. My mom was great, she helped wherever she could and I found a job that gave me a career."

They both remained silent for a while, each with their own thoughts. It was at this point one of the waitresses must have assumed that it was safe to take their order. As she left Theresa smiled a little.

"I have something I thought you might want." She reached into her bag and pulled out an envelope, handing it over to Ryan, "It's his fourth grade school picture. I would have brought some earlier ones but there are so many, and my mom is a little anal about keeping them in their albums. She went a bit crazy over her first grandchild."

Ryan pulled the photograph out of the envelope and there he was, with the same blue eyes, short sandy brown hair and innocent smile he had seen yesterday.

"Tell me about him." He said around the smile that had formed on his face whilst he had been looking at the picture.

Theresa noticed Ryan smile, noting that it was the first time he had genuinely smiled since she had arrived. Her certainty over her decision wavered a little bit for the tiniest second. And then it was gone.

"Where to start!" She laughed. "He's obsessed with shortening his name at the moment, he'll only answer if you call him Ry. And he's in the middle of his fascination with animals; he started by keeping grasshoppers and caterpillars in old tubs and that frog you saw? Two months worth of begging, and I'm still regretting saying yes. Next it'll be a dog, I know it." She shook her head at the thought. This was her favourite topic, her son. To her he was perfect. There was not a day that went by that she wasn't thankful for him.

"He's a bit of a charmer as well, that's one thing you have to watch out for with Ry. He's a nine year old smooth talker, with a knack of getting what he wants."

"Hence the frog?" Ryan asked, still staring at the picture.

"Hence the frog."

"Does he ever ask about me? I mean, about his dad. Did you ever tell him?"

Theresa sighed, "I told him that his father loves him very much, but it just wasn't the right time to all be together."

"But he doesn't know that it's me. I mean when you introduced us…" He trailed off, it was hard thinking that the first time he saw his son and the first time his son saw him, there had been no indication of a connection in his eyes.

"He doesn't know that it's you, no. But he's a good boy, when I was telling him about why you weren't with us he never kicked up a fuss about it. It was like he just understood that that was the way he had to be." Theresa figured that Ryan would be worried about how they were going to tell Ry that Ryan was his father.

She moved her hand forward, as if she was going to reach for his, then thought better of it and picked up her coffee instead.

"You don't need to worry, he'll understand. With him, nothing's ever like you would expect."

Ryan wasn't too assured by her words; the possibility that Ry would reject him was too great.

"When do I get to meet him?"

**000000**

The bench was the perfect spot, it allowed for a view of the whole park. Though the sun was out and shining brightly with all its might, it still had to fight with the bite of the wind. The leaves on the trees rustled lightly in the breeze and a few children were playing tag under its shade. A dark haired boy was chasing a girl with pigtails round and round the trunk of the tree, before he changed tactics and caught her by going the other way. He pulled her hair and ran off as their positions had been changed and she chased him.

Yes, the bench really was the perfect spot. It was their bench.

He didn't know how long he had been sat there. He had come straight from the diner after saying goodbye to Theresa. The heaviness he had been feeling had lifted slightly.

"Hey, Kid," No matter how old he got, Ryan knew Sandy was always going to call him that. Funny how it seemed being called as such, felt so different only a few days ago. "How'd it go with Theresa? You guys talk?"

"Yeah, we did."

They both continued watching the people making the most of the Sunday sun, couples taking strolls, people walking their dogs, families spending time together. It all seemed dream-like and hazy in the sunlight. Everybody in their own worlds, moving slowly as though they didn't have anything else to think about apart from the moment they were in. He was one of those people 24 hours ago.

"She said I deserved a better life, to be able to make something of myself. That's why she told me she lost the baby."

Sandy merely nodded his head. He had his own thoughts on the fact that this woman had lied to his son, but Ryan didn't need to hear them. That wasn't why he was there. He was there because Ryan needed someone to listen.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to fully understand her reasons or accept them, but I guess it doesn't matter. All I have to be thinking about now is Ryan, he's what matters."

"That sounds like good advice."

"It was Taylor, she said that to me this morning."

"Well, she does have her moments." Sandy chuckled.

"Yeah." Ryan agreed, because for all her crazy, Taylor really did give good advice. It could have been because of the way she saw the world, in a whole different way to others. She picked up what others missed; it was what made her such a good friend. Or, it could have been because, despite having spent so many years being laughed at and ignored by her peers and put down by her mother, she always put others before herself. She thought about other people and wanted them to be happy. It was what made her such a good girlfriend.

"And, Ryan." Sandy's voice broke Ryan out of his musings, "I mean the other Ryan, boy that's going to get confusing..."

"He likes to be called Ry. Apparently."

"Ry it is then. Are you sure that he's yours?"

Ryan could tell that this was going to be a popular topic. Along with wanting to know what Theresa had to say for herself, his family was going to want to know if he was certain that the child was his. They had good reason; they had all been there the first time. Brushing off the subject with them was going to be a lot more difficult than with Taylor.

"I'm certain. Theresa put my name on his birth certificate when he was born."

"Ryan, I'm talking about a pate-"

"I know what you're asking, Sandy." Ryan felt bad, again. "I know he's my son. Can you just…trust me?" He felt drained. "Please?"

"It's not what I would advise, are you sure about this?" Sandy looked at Ryan, raising his eyebrows to make his point. "Getting involved, it's more than just you. It's Ry. You make the choice now and you know. Make your decisions from there. But get involved, that choice is going to be a lot harder to make later on. If it's not what you thought, it's Ry who's going to get hurt the most."

Ryan took in Sandy's words.

"Like Taylor said, it's Ry who matters now. You have to think about him."

"I have thought about him." Ryan responded resolutely, "I don't need the test now or later on to tell me what I already know."

"Ok." Sandy put his hand on Ryan's shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze, "Well, we're here for you, Ryan. You know that."

"Thanks." He was glad that Sandy wasn't going to push any further. "I, uh, may need legal advice, I think. Later on." Ryan hadn't needed Sandy to be his lawyer in a very long time. "That is if you can still…"

"'Course I can, Kid. You just let me know when."

The buzz of his phone vibrating halted Ryan's response. He pulled it out of his pocket and sighed.

"It's Seth. He's been calling all afternoon, this is like the 10th time."

Sandy sat back and laughed, "Well, you better answer it. Seth is bound to keep calling till you pick up."

"Hey Seth."

"Ryan, finally. I've like called you three times already."

"Ten, actually." Ryan corrected him.

"Three, ten. What matters is that I called. Where are you?"

"In the park."

"With Theresa?"

"Sandy." Ryan glanced at Sandy.

"You spoke to Dad before me?" Seth asked incredulously, "That's a violation of the Seth/Ryan code. It's like, the first rule. He better not be acting as my replacement again."

"There's a Seth/Ryan code? And no, he's not."

"Yeah, the code book came with the blood. Didn't you read it? Don't make me have to give you another copy."

"Seth."

"Yep?"

"What do you want?"

"Oh, right. Well, remember how Summer said that if you ever hurt Taylor that she was going to have to hurt you?"

"She tried to strangle me. Again." Ryan saw Sandy raise an eyebrow in interest out of the corner of his eye.

"Yeah, well, she may try and do that for the third time."

"Her hands are too small."

"Pregnancy, my friend. Everything swells, women complain."

Ryan grimaced; he didn't want to think about Summer's swelling, "I thought they complained about feet?"

"It's Summer, she's special so her hands have swollen. Dude, what happened?"

"I was an ass."

**TBC**

**The button is your friend, give it some loving and it might help towards a quicker update!**


	6. On Your Side

**A/N: I'm so sorry for taking so long to update, I was away most of this weekend.**

**Thank you so much for all of your reviews and your support, especially Lesley who has been incredible!**

**Enjoy!**

**000000**

**Chapter 5- On Your Side**

"_It's Summer, she's special so her hands have swollen. Dude, what happened?"_

"_I was an ass."_

**000000**

To and fro.

To and fro.

Summer had been pacing the length of the living room for the past twenty minutes. Or at least she was attempting to pace, with her current condition it lacked the vigour that normally accompanied a walk aimed at working through thoughts.

Having spent the morning doing morning things- making the bed and cooking breakfast, taking a shower- she had tried not to let her thoughts linger too much on the events of last night. However, now that she was free of all the possible distractions she could think of, all she had was time to wonder and worry.

And worry she did, hence the pacing.

How on earth Seth could remain calm at a time like this was a mystery to her. She had refrained from asking him why he wasn't worried as she had been giving him the silent treatment for having let slip to Taylor just exactly who Theresa was before Ryan had the chance to.

She knew he didn't really deserve it; his slip up wasn't the biggest bombshell of the night. No, that one belonged to Theresa herself.

Summer had been as surprised as everyone else when Ryan told them that the boy Theresa had been running after through the party was her son. To be more precise Ryan's son, the one Theresa had told him she had lost.

If Summer had been shocked then, she had no idea what Taylor must have been feeling, or Ryan for that matter. He was always the guy that did the right thing; he had been willing to give up his new life in order to do the right thing ten years ago. To have been lied to like that, she figured Ryan would be erring on the side of extreme anger.

Summer didn't know how much Taylor knew about Theresa, if she knew anything at all, before that night. But one thing she did know for sure was how much Taylor loved Ryan, and that would mean that Taylor would want to help in any way possible. She would, as she normally did, put aside her own feelings, which at that moment Summer had no clue as to what they would be, to think about Ryan.

Taylor would want to talk about things, because that's what Taylor did, talk a whole lot. Despite Taylor's idea of talking normally including a great deal of over-sharing on her part, it did not mean that in amongst her ramblings, those relevant comments were unhelpful. No, as Summer had found out more than once, they were actually quite the opposite.

But, no matter how much being with Taylor had opened Ryan up and got him talking more, Summer had a sinking feeling that this would be one of those times that Ryan would revert back to his old ways. He would probably initiate a classic Atwood shut down and want to take the full burden of the situation upon himself as penance. So Summer was worried; worried about what this would do to her best friend.

Ryan would be angry for sure, and if he did shut down, then Summer knew Taylor would blame herself for it, making excuses for how she probably pushed him too hard and therefore it would be her fault that he was closed off.

All relationships were a two-way thing, and that included the influence of one person on the other involved.

As much as Ryan had changed because of Taylor, Summer had noticed that Taylor had changed because of Ryan. It was nothing bad, or a change that was unhealthy, it was just little things that crept up every so often. Ryan's need to shoulder burdens had seemed to have rubbed off on to Taylor; Summer had supposed it was due to Taylor not wanting Ryan to deal with everything himself. So as his girlfriend she took half his load.

But there were times where Taylor blamed herself for an argument or a mistake, even though she wasn't to blame, and that's where Summer saw the changes, not always for the better or even for the worse; just different.

Although, as couples went, Summer knew of no other that could survive something like this better than Ryan and Taylor. Their relationship had been tested many a times before, and at the end of it all they had come out stronger than ever. They would find a way to work through this.

She hoped.

Stopping mid step she firmly planted her feet into the carpet and placed her hands on her hips. She couldn't take it anymore, the entire morning she had tried not to think about it. The entire early afternoon she had stopped herself from calling their place; she couldn't take it anymore. She had to know what was going on. Summer assured herself that she only wanted to know how her friends were doing; she was not in anyway trying to meddle.

But that was where Seth had rubbed off on her.

"Cohen."

Seth had been quietly flipping through a comic book on the sofa as Summer had been pacing. He had known better than to try and talk to her when she was like this and _not_ pregnant. To attempt to talk to her when she was giving him the silent treatment, pacing and pregnant would have just been asking for trouble.

"So you're talking to me again?" He tentatively questioned.

"Yeah, duh. I want you to call Ryan." She demanded.

"Don't you think he'll be a little occupied today?"

"Yes, but I'm worried. How can you sit there reading a comic about," Summer lifted up the comic in Seth's hands so that she could see the front cover, "a wolf-man at a time like this? Aren't you in the least bit worried about how you're brother is handling all this?"

"Firstly, this is a comic about Wolverine, not a wolf-man. And secondly, Ryan will call when he needs to talk."

"But I need to know if Taylor's doing alright."

"Then why don't you just call her?" Seth suggested.

"Because I don't know what's going on, she and Ryan could still be talking. I don't want to call and have them be in the middle of…whatever." Summer explained a flourish of hand movements.

"But you're okay with letting me interrupt?"

"Of course, it's you. It's what you do. Now call Ryan."

Seth pulled his phone out of his pocket and pressed the speed dial for Ryan's number, hearing it ring several times. He looked up at Summer, who had begun to impatiently tap her foot, and shrugged.

"No answer."

Summer began to pace once more. Perfect, what was she going to do now?

Determined not to give up, Summer walked into the hall and picked up their home phone off its cradle on the coffee table, and rang Ryan and Taylor's apartment. It rang twice before a hoarse voice answered.

"Ryan?"

"No Taylor, it's me." Summer could hear Taylor sniff a couple of times, adding that to the hoarse voice; she knew that Taylor had been crying.

"Oh, hey."

"You've been crying." Summer stated. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Seth standing in the doorway, listening in on her side of the conversation.

"No, of course not. I just don't feel my best after last night, too much to wine and all that."

"Yeah, it's the 'all that', that I'm worried about. I'm coming over. I'll be there in 10 minutes." Without waiting for Taylor to give her an excuse, Summer had hung up the phone and started to put her coat on.

"You're going over there? Don't you think you should let Taylor and Ryan talk by themselves?"

Summer huffed, now Seth wanted to be the voice of reason?

"Ryan's not there, and Taylor's been crying. I'm going over to be there for my friend." Summer picked up her bag and keys off the table and hurried out the door.

"Oh boy." Seth walked back to the couch, picked up his cell and rang Ryan again.

No answer. Well, now he was worried about Ryan.

**000000**

The first time Summer had attempted to strangle Ryan, she had been warning him about a French shark that was circling, and telling him to not to choke when he told Taylor how he felt. That was at the very beginning of Ryan and Taylor's relationship.

The second time she attempted to put her hands around his neck was only a few months ago, again telling him not to choke. Although, the second attempt came with an extra warning; Taylor was her best friend, and even though Taylor believed she could deal with everything herself, heck she'd been doing it for years before she could label someone as a friend who'd be there for her, Summer was always going to be in her corner.

As she helped Ryan, she warned him that Taylor's happiness was going to be in his hands forever, and if he did ever hurt Taylor then she, Summer, wouldn't hesitate to hurt him.

After all it was only fair.

Now, as she looked at her hands she wondered if they were big enough to fit around his neck. It was probably the one and only time she'd be thankful for the usually unwanted side effect of pregnancy and she was just about angry enough to give it a try. Absentmindedly she ran her hands over her stomach.

"So, what do you think, baby? Does Uncle Ryan deserve a good choking?"

She wasn't expecting an answer from her baby, besides she had already made up her mind.

**000000**

_Summer let herself into Ryan and Taylor's apartment; she and Seth had been given a key for emergencies, and this definitely qualified as an emergency. She found Taylor still in her pyjamas, flicking aimlessly through the channels on the TV._

_Summer sat down next to her and for a while watched as picture after random picture flicked up on the screen. Neither spoke, until eventually Summer gently removed the TV control from Taylor's grasp and turned it off._

_She ran her hand up and down her friends arm in a gesture of comfort, to let her know she wasn't alone._

"_Sarah said she found her Ryan at the party, some guy that she got talking to and clicked with. She thinks he's The One." Taylor was still looking ahead at the blank screen._

"_That's nice."_

"_He also has a kid. Isn't that funny? Her 'Ryan' also having a child by another woman?"_

"_Ummm, yeah." Summer was unsure of how to answer._

_She had never seen Taylor like this before, not when Taylor had assumed Ryan thought she was weird, not when he told her they were too different, and not even when she had argued with Ryan at her first ever birthday party. _

_No, this was something new. And why shouldn't it be considering the situation._

"_I had to laugh or I'd…"_

"_End up crying?" Summer finished for her._

"_Yeah." Taylor turned at looked at Summer for the first time. Her eyes were puffy and her cheeks and the tip of her nose were slightly red. She had definitely been crying._

"_Oh, sweetie." Summer leaned over and pulled Taylor in as close as she could, she continued her gesture of comfort up and down Taylor's back. She heard Taylor's breath hitch and her body give a little shudder before she took deep calming breaths._

"_It's alright if you wanna cry you know, it'll be totally understandable."_

"_No, I hate that I've cried already," Taylor pulled back from Summer, "I never cry, it's unproductive. Crying never solves anything; tears never change anything. They are just an unhelpful waste of time."_

"_Not totally unhelpful, didn't they make you feel even a little better?" She nudged her shoulder against Taylor's, getting what she aimed for._

"_A bit." Taylor replied with a weak smile._

"_How about I make us some tea, and then you can tell me what happened?"_

"_Yeah. Thanks Sum, I'd like that."_

_Summer brought back two mugs, placing one on the coffee table and handing the other to Taylor, who took a small sip._

"_This isn't tea."_

"_No, it's honey and lemon. It helps with the throat, you were sounding a little croakey." Summer informed her._

"_Great, I probably look just as bad too." Taylor pushed back her bangs from her eyes and ran her hand over her face. She took another sip of her drink, Summer was right, it did help._

"_Ryan and I had a fight."_

"_About…" Summer prodded, although she already had a pretty good idea what about._

"_Theresa, Ryan, well…the other Ryan I mean. We talked and he told me everything, it was going fine, and he was opening up. But then I asked him if he was going to ask for a paternity test, to make sure that Theresa was telling the truth and that Ryan really was his and he just cut me off."_

"_He's feels he left too easily, that he should have gone back to her instead of straight back to Newport. He's blaming himself for her mistakes." Taylor sighed and shook her head. _

"_She's the one that lied and yet somehow he's managed to twist it all on himself, finding a way to excuse her lying. And I'm worry that his guilt and excuses are blinding him from everything else, from matters that are really important."_

"_And he wouldn't listen to you?"_

"_No, all I was doing was trying to be the voice of reason. I was thinking about the things I knew he wouldn't be, and he just didn't want to know. I'm scared Summer, I don't know what this is going to mean for us, for our future. This changes so much and it's like Ryan has gone five steps ahead and left me behind."_

"_I'm sure it's not like that, Taylor, I know Ryan loves you. He hasn't left you behind, he may have jumped in with both feet but he's Ryan, it's what he does. And like you said he wouldn't be thinking about these things because he's probably feeling guilty." _

_Taylor reached for her cup again, thinking of how to word the way that she was feeling; how to say it in a way that made sense._

"_A part of me feels like Ryan doesn't want to take a test because it might not be what he wants."_

" _He's in shock and isn't thinking clearly. He needs time to come to terms with everything, then maybe he'll realise he should take the test." Summer wasn't entirely sure she understood the meaning behind Taylor's words. If Taylor meant what she was thinking, or something else altogether._

"_I'm worried that by that time, it'll be too late."_

"_Too late for what?"_

"_Too late to go back."_

**000000**

Summer had got Taylor to open up about her fight with Ryan, but she could tell that Taylor didn't want to talk about everything. Not wanting to push, she sent Taylor for a shower instead, even though her friend's cryptic reply had left more worried than before she had arrived.

The kettle in front of Summer clicked as it finished boiling, pulling her out of her thoughts. She poured the boiling water over the lemon and added in two spoonfuls of honey.

"I hope you've come with a decent apology." She continued to stir the mixture in front of her.

"How did you know I was here?"

"Sixth sense." Summer turned and regarded Ryan as he stood at a distance from her. "Flowers? Well, it's a step up from a stuffed bear and sweets, but I don't think it's gonna cut it this time."

"It was the best I could do." He shrugged.

Summer merely raised an eyebrow and nodded her head once.

"Where is she?"

"In the shower."

"She, uh, tell you what happened?" Ryan asked, still keeping himself at a distance.

Summer found that to be quite amusing, he had obviously spoken to Seth.

"Some of it, yeah. And you know what Atwood? You're a bigger idiot then Seth at times. I'm wondering if you two trade tips on how to screw things up, or is it in the Seth/Ryan code book or something?"

"How does everyone know about this code book?"

"Focus." Summer snapped. "You really hurt Taylor today. She's on your side, looking out for you and you pushed her away. I thought you of all people would know how Taylor would take that."

"I know, I know. Look, shutting her out wasn't my finest moment, but cut me some slack, Summer. I didn't intentionally want to hurt her, I'm just a little overwhelmed right now."

"Then let her help you. You don't have to go through this all on your own. You have people that care about you; they'll help you get through this. But you've got to be the one to let them do that."

"I don't know if I can. This thing…it's complicated. I don't know if she'll understand."

"Well, un-complicate things. Go and talk to her." Summer walked towards Ryan and put down the cup on the side.

Ryan looked slightly scared and his eyes darted around, as if looking for an escape.

"You're not gonna try and strangle me are you?" He asked, taking a couple of steps back.

"No, not today anyway." Summer slid the cup over to Ryan, "Go! Apologise and give her a chance to understand. She never will, if you don't try."

**TBC**

**Because I took so long to update even though I promised to be quicker, I'm going to post another update tomorrow, full of TownWood goodness!**

**Reviews for this chapter though are still most definitely wanted!**


	7. The Word Sorry

**A/N: So as promised another chapter, it's not very long but hopefully it's contents will make up for its length. **

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed, it really helps with the motivation!**

**000000**

**Chapter 6- The Word Sorry**

"_You're not gonna try and strangle me are you?" He asked, taking a couple of steps back._

"_No, not today anyway." Summer slide the cup over to Ryan, "Go and apologise and give her a chance to understand. She never will, if you don't try."_

**000000**

Ryan picked up the cup that Summer had pushed towards him, and along with the bunch of flowers, tulips…Taylor's favourite, he walked into their bedroom. The sound of the shower still running floated into the room as he sat on the end of the bed wondering what he was going to say.

Sorry didn't seem right, and he didn't want to say it because as much as he meant it, it sounded too clichéd. People always said sorry for everything; it was used too often. He had said it enough times himself, and to him, it now seemed to have lost its meaning.

Was there a way he could tell Taylor that he was truly regretful of the way he acted without saying the word 'sorry'?

He tried to find the words and prepare a speech, but was cut short by the door to the en suite opening and Taylor walking in. She was bent over double as she walked, vigorously drying her hair with a towel.

"I think a shower was what I needed, Sum." Taylor called out. "At least now I know that I probably smell and look better than before." She must have thought Summer was still here and in the kitchen.

Righting herself and with a flick of her neck, she swung her hair back from her face, "Oh," she exclaimed, when she noticed Ryan was sat on their bed, "I uh, I didn't realise you were back."

Ryan stood up and awkwardly held the flowers out in front of him.

"These are for you." He said, careful not to mumble. Taylor looked down at the flowers he held in front of her, and did nothing. Her hesitation made Ryan more nervous; had he upset her further? Did he look like he was trying to buy her forgiveness with a paltry offering?

The breath he hadn't even realised he'd been holding, escaped from his lips when she took the flowers from his hands.

Taylor ran her fingers over the petals gently. "Tulips." She stated, "they're my favourites."

Then, before Ryan had a chance to respond, and much to his surprise, Taylor walked out of the bedroom. He followed her into the kitchen and watched as she searched in the cupboard under the sink, he was curious as to what she was looking for, but remained quiet rather than asking. Taylor finally stood up and brought out what she was looking for.

A vase.

Filling it with water, she placed it on the side, and taking the scissors from the drawer she began methodically cutting the ends of the flower stems at an angle, placing them one by one in to the vase.

When they were all done, she fiddled with the arrangement, head cocked to one side in appraisal. Satisfied, she picked the vase up and placed it in the centre of the table in the corner of the kitchen.

"There." Taylor remained with her back turned, looking at the table's new centrepiece.

Ryan moved to stand just behind Taylor. His eyes followed a droplet of water make its way from the top her shoulder, down along her shoulder blade, and disappear out of sight past the top of the towel she had wrapped around herself.

"I don't want to say I'm sorry," he started, and rushed on when he saw that she had stiffened at his words, "I am, but I don't want to say the word sorry. I'm not like you. You know I'm not good with words. I just want to apologise to you without having to use the same word that everybody else does. I want you to know that I really mean it, that I do regret our fight."

Ryan paused; he should have thought more about what he was going to say, he was obviously messing this up. The thought that he could possibly be hurting Taylor even more made his insides feel twisted; his gut was clenched in anticipation. She hadn't moved.

"Sorry, will make you think about the hurt, you don't want to feel anymore. Sorry, I made a mistake. Sorry, cause I can't fix it, sorry cause I make you cry, sorry cause I hurt you. I'm sorry. But sorry don't help me any. Sorry. Is something I don't want to say. Not because I did what I did to hurt you. But because sorry won't take anything back or away."

Ryan was speechless.

Taylor turned around finally to face him, "It's a poem," she explained, "well half a poem anyway. I thought it was kind of appropriate, is that what you wanted to say?"

Ryan could only nod his head, still at a loss for words.

"Good. Because I don't want you to say sorry either, what I want is for you to make me a promise."

"Anything."

"I want you to promise not to shut me out…just, let me be there for you."

Ryan took her hand in his and pulled her flush against him. His other hand wound its way around her waist and he looked down into her eyes.

"I promise."

Bringing his head down towards hers, he sealed the promise with a gentle kiss. Capturing her lips with his again and again.

**TBC**

**The poem is called The Word Sorry and it's by Debra Amanda Salazar (yes, even I wanted to tack Slytherin on the end!)**

**No infringement was intended; it was just pretty and worked with my story. Please don't sue me!**

_**If I find **_

_**I'm lacking a muse**_

_**I know something that will help,**_

_**All your reviews!**_

**Yes, I know it sucked, but I tried!**


	8. Be Yourself

**A/N: You lucky people you, another update within the week! LOL!**

**I really hope you are all enjoying this fic. I really had no idea where I was going to go with it when I started and hopefully you are all enjoying the ride!**

**This chapter, for its length, I dedicate to Shar, scroll away my dear! Scroll away!**

**000000**

**Chapter 7- Be Yourself**

"_I want you to promise not to shut me out…just, let me be there for you."_

_Ryan took her hand and pulled her flush against him. His other hand wound its way around her waist and he looked down into her eyes._

"_I promise."_

_Bringing his head down towards hers, he sealed the promise with a gentle kiss. Capturing her lips with his again and again._

**000000**

Ryan was sat at his desk, staring down at the building plans for a new community centre that the team he was a part of, were working on.

He and two other guys, Gregory Fields and Stuart Walker, made up the team. All three had started working at Roe & Manning Architects at the same time, each having landed the coveted training positions that the firm offered to graduates each year.

Ryan liked the two other men; they often went out for drinks after work or round to each other's apartments to watch football (or whatever sporting game happened to be showing), drink beer and make jokes at each other's expense. When he wasn't with Seth and Summer or Taylor, Ryan liked having other people to talk to, other friends; friends who didn't know about his past.

He had made a few friends at college, but they had all dispersed to different parts of the country, following their own goals and dreams.

Ryan's dream had remained right there in Berkeley. There were several well know architectural companies in the city, but none as prestigious as Roe & Manning. Upon starting his degree, Ryan had researched the company and followed their undertakings diligently.

Roe & Manning were known for using classical designs that were reinvented with modern day twists. They not only worked on large, corporate and well-funded private commissions, but also undertook smaller projects that benefited the community, which definitely added to the appeal for Ryan.

He had applied for the training position, holding out little hope that he would be successful Despite Taylor's constant protests to the contrary, Ryan had remained realistic. There would be fierce competition for each of the three places and allowing his hopes to get too high would just increase the disappointment he would feel when they were wiped out from beneath him.

However, his application was successful. Good grades and glowing references from his college professors, assured that his application had been given great consideration.

So, for the past year he had been working in a job he loved. Initially, the three men were each assigned to a mentor who showed them the ropes and delegated work to them. Once settled in their positions, they were allowed to sit in on project meetings to gain an understanding of how a building went from being commissioned to being built within the company, and given tasks to complete for each project.

This community centre, however, was the first project the three had been given to complete without any superior supervision. It may be a small project in relation to others, but it was daunting none the less; a chance to prove their capability and all that they have learnt.

Something like this was a test, and required a great deal of hard work and concentration. However, as Ryan looked at the blue prints in front of him, his eyes were unseeing and his thoughts were a million miles away.

He and Taylor had made up after their argument, his thoughts allowed for a small smile as he remembered just how many times they had made up.

They did talk things out further, and Taylor had attempted to broach the subject of paternity once again, to which Ryan gave her the same response that he had given Sandy. He didn't know how he knew, that feeling he had deep down inside, but he asked her to trust him. She hadn't looked entirely appeased, but after just making up he was thankful that she didn't push the subject further.

Taylor asked about his meeting with Theresa and he told her everything that Theresa had said; all of the reasons for her actions. He had then pulled out the photo that Theresa had given him and showed it to Taylor. She commented on how handsome little Ryan was, she giggled that he was going to break a few hearts when he was older, yet notably she left out that he was the spitting image of the picture Frank Atwood had shown her all those years ago.

Ryan told Taylor that he likes to be called Ry; that his favourite food is pizza and he takes his frog with him wherever he goes. He does well in school and his favourite colour is green.

Ryan confessed that he was worried about seeing him again, that Ry might not like him at all. Taylor had objected to that idea immediately, saying that Ry had seemed like an easy-going kid when they had first met, and besides, Ryan was great with children. Sophie and Joshua both adored their older brother; he connected with them effortlessly. He just had to remember not to push too hard, Ry would open up in his own time.

Ryan pulled open the top drawer of his desk and took out the picture of Ry that he had stashed away in there. Two days ago he had got a call from Theresa, asking if he would like to meet her and Ry at a small family pizza restaurant that she was taking him to on the Friday. Ryan had agreed right away.

So, in a few hours, when work was over, he was going to meet them.

Ryan had spent the week in anticipation of meeting his son and had wondered if he should get him something. He had asked Taylor if it would seem strange to Ry that a virtual stranger was giving him a gift. She had replied by saying that, she doubted a boy of nine would think too much about it and would just be pleased with having been given a present. So then Ryan was faced with the problem of what to buy for a nine year old. In the end he settled for a video game that the assistant at the games store said was very popular with kids of that age.

Ryan wondered what the meeting would be like; would it be awkward? Would Theresa tell Ry exactly who he, Ryan, was right away? Or would she decide to let Ry get familiar with him first, before telling him? These were things he should have discussed with Theresa, but having had so many issues and thoughts to deal with, he had let these questions slip his mind at the time. Only now had he really thought about it, with hours to go. He could kick himself for being so unprepared.

The sound of his phone ringing pulled him out of his musings.

"Ryan Atwood," he answered in a professional manner.

"Hey, it's me." Taylor's warm voice floated from the other end of the line. "Are you busy? Can you talk?"

"Yeah, I can talk. I was just looking over some plans for the Anderson Community Centre project."

"How's it going?" She questioned. Taylor knew that this project was important; Ryan had been working on it intensely for the past four months. It was why she was so surprised at the effort he put into her birthday party.

"Yeah it's moving along, there were a few glitches but we're working on it." Ryan loved that Taylor took an interest in his work; she was always asking him questions. He had joked once that she must find it all boring, but she had just shook her head saying learning about new things was never boring.

"That's good. This building will be the first of many that'll be known as an Atwood work of art." After a pause she added, "and the other's will be mentioned too, of course."

"So, what are you going to do tonight?"

The dinner tonight was just going to be him, Theresa and Ry. Ryan hadn't asked Taylor to come with him when he told her that Theresa had called and Taylor hadn't mentioned going with him. She understood that Ryan just wanted it to be him. There was silent communication between the two that it was for the best that way. He wasn't shutting her out. Just like he had promised, he told her everything and she was going to be there for him when he needed her.

"Lucas and Sarah are taking me for some late birthday drinks. I think Lucas wants to grill Sarah on her new boyfriend, he keeps going on about having to give approval." She laughed, "which you just know means he just wants to drool over another "Newport Hottie."

Ryan cringed; Lucas also worked with Taylor and Sarah at the paper. The flamboyant man had given Ryan that nickname upon meeting him, much to Taylor's amusement. She constantly used it to tease Ryan.

"Taylor," Ryan warned, good-naturedly.

"Okay, okay" she appeased through a giggle, "I was actually just calling to wish you…good luck, I guess."

"Thanks."

"Are you still nervous?"

Ryan's mind went through the questions he had been asking himself just before Taylor called. "It's hard not to be." He replied honestly.

"You'll do great, Ryan. You're great with kids, just be yourself. I've gotta go, I've got a call waiting. I'll see you at home later?"

"Yeah."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

**000000**

In the corner of a dimly lit bar, after several 'excuse me's' and some careful manoeuvring, Taylor and Sarah had managed to find a booth housed just inside a small alcove, as Lucas had gone to buy them drinks.

"And you're not in the least bit concerned about Ryan having dinner with his ex?" Sarah continued on the conversation they had been having as they had walked from the office to The Red Lounge, their regular after work hot spot.

"No," Taylor replied as she took off her coat, "why would I be? He's gone to meet his son, it's not a date."

"Not for him maybe."

"I doubt it is for her either." Taylor shrugged, "I don't think Theresa has come back into Ryan's life with the purpose to go after him. Ryan told me that if she had had her way, she _never_ would have seen Ryan again."

"Here we are ladies, three Cosmos." Lucas placed the tray in the middle of the table and slid into the booth next to Taylor, "so what are we talking about?"

"Ryan being on a date." Sarah quickly replied, earning a glare from Taylor.

"It's _not_ a date." She argued, "he's just gone to meet his son, and she's the mother of his son, she kinda has to be there."

"Why aren't you there?" Lucas questioned, as he sipped his drink.

"It was something that Ryan had to do himself. And Ry's only a kid, why complicate things further for him by adding in another person. He'll already be confused, no need to overwhelm him. I'll get to meet him eventually."

"Well, I still think you should watch out. Playing happy families may give Theresa ideas."

"Just because she _may_ get some ideas doesn't mean anything. Have you seen the way Ryan looks at Tay?" Lucas began to fan himself exaggeratedly with a napkin, "how do you not _melt_ when he looks at you?"

"Who says I don't?" Taylor raised an eyebrow and laughed.

"Speaking of looks," Lucas now directed his gaze towards Sarah. "On a scale of one to me, how hot is James?"

**000000**

At exactly 6.05 p.m. Ryan pulled his car up into the parking lot of Lorenzo's Family Pizzeria. It being a Friday, many families were walking into the entrance, familial sounds of conversation, laughter and parents calling out to their children could be heard with each open and close of the door, along with the sound of music.

Taking a deep breath, Ryan grabbed the neatly wrapped present, courtesy of Taylor, from the passenger seat and made his way inside.

Once in the door he looked around for Theresa and as he looked, a harassed looking waitress came up to him.

"Er, is it just you?" She asked.

"No, I'm meeting someone…" A wave of a hand caught Ryan's attention. It was Theresa. The waitress had followed Ryan's line of sight, smiled and let him past, already beginning to greet the customers behind him.

He made his way over to the table where Theresa was sat facing him, and the figure of a small boy, hunched over a menu, was sat facing the opposite way.

Theresa stood up as Ryan approached the table.

"Hi," he greeted, looking from one to the other. "Sorry I'm late. Traffic."

"You're not late, we just sat down actually." Theresa smiled. "Ryan this is my friend you met, remember? His name's also Ryan."

Ryan may not have asked Theresa how they were going to handle the situation of introducing Ryan to Ry formally, but she had thankfully answered the question for him anyway. He had decided that Theresa would know how to handle it best; she was Ry's mother after all. Ryan just had to follow her lead.

The young boy glanced at Ryan and then Theresa, "Mom," He whined, "stop calling me Ryan. It's Ry."

"Aren't you going to say 'hello'?" She asked, ignoring his comment.

"Hello." Ry sullen said, and then went back to reading his menu.

"Hello, Ry." Ryan shifted uncomfortably, unsure of himself and of what to do next.

Ry apparently seemed to be upset over something. This wasn't going how Ryan had hoped; not that he was entirely sure how it was going to go at all. He hadn't expected Ry to run into his open arms, but he had thought he'd be received with more than a forced 'hello'. He had been expecting a greeting with some of the enthusiasm similar to when he had first met Ry at the Yatch Club.

"He's upset because I wouldn't let him bring Wort." Theresa offered in explanation of Ry's behaviour, and then on Ryan's obvious look of confusion, she clarified, "his frog."

"Oh."

Theresa sat back down on her side of the booth but moved further up to allow room for Ryan to sit next to her. He took his seat and looked at the top of Ry's head, he searched his brain of what to say to a nine year old who happened to be sulking.

With Sophie or Joshua it was easy for him to coax them out of a tantrum. He had known them all their lives, he knew how to read their moods, knew their likes and dislikes and he knew just what to say to get them to smile.

In front of him sat his son who he didn't know at all, apart from what he had been told by Theresa.

"So, you're mom tells me you like pizza, what's your favourite?" It was a start at least.

"Pepperoni." Ry mumbled. He may have been sulking but he still remembered his manners; when someone asks you a question, it's polite to reply.

"I'm more of a ham and pineapple fan, but I could go for pepperoni." Ryan looked at Theresa; she smiled and nodded her head encouragingly, telling him silently not to give up. "You wanna share?"

Ry shrugged his shoulders, "I guess."

"Well, you boys can share the pizza, I think I'll go for the pasta today."

"Mom, you always go for the pasta." Ry rolled his eyes.

"With the carbonara sauce, right?" Ryan grinned at Ry.

"Yeah, how do you know?" Forgetting that he was meant to be sulking, Ry sat up straighter to look at Ryan. His eyes swept over Ryan in assessment, the innocent gaze of a child who was deciding whether he would like a person or not.

"I told you, sweetie. Ryan and I are friends; he used to live next door to me when I lived with Grandma in Chino."

"You're from Chino as well? I've only been there once."

"Don't you go to your Grandma's every Sunday?" Ryan was sure that was what Theresa had told him.

"He does," Theresa replied, "my mom moved a few years back. She didn't want to live on her own, so she bought an apartment a few blocks from our own."

"So, Ry, do you like going to your Grandma's? Ryan asked.

Ry shrugged, "Sometimes, when she's made cakes. But I don't like it when she makes me watch her soaps." He pulled a face. "They're boring."

"Hi, folks. Are you ready to order?" A waitress interrupted their conversation, pen and notepad poised.

"We'll have the pepperoni pizza and the carbonara pasta?" Ryan looked to Theresa for confirmation. She nodded her head.

"I'll be back with your order." The waitress said as she picked up the menus off the table and then left.

"So, you like frogs, huh? Wort, that's a good name for a frog." Ryan smiled at Ry.

"Yeah, he doesn't have an actual wort though." Ry clarified. "But it was weird to call him Pete, that's what the guy at the pet store said his name was. There's a boy in my class called Pete, so I changed it."

"Yeah, I guess that would have been weird." Ryan laughed. The conversation seemed to be flowing easier, now that Ry had abandoned sulking. He seemed like he was actually quite talkative, if he was anything like Sophie it wouldn't take much to get him to talk.

"What about video games, do you play those with your friends?"

"Yeah, I'm really good at the racing ones. I always beat my friend Jack." Ry said, looking proud of himself.

"I play against my brother, I always beat him too."

"But you're old. Old people don't play video games!" Ry stated as though that was common knowledge.

Ryan laughed, at 25 he never thought of himself as old, older yes, but definitely not old. "I don't think you're ever too old to play video games."

"Jack just got this new game that I really want, but Mom says I have to wait till my birthday before I get it. That's a whole month from now!"

"Well, how about an early birthday present?" Ryan said as he pulled out the wrapped gift that he had bought for Ry and handed it over to his excited hands.

Ry, just as Taylor had predicted didn't question being given a present. He tore at the wrapping paper and his face broke out into a grin as he found what was underneath.

"Wow, this is so cool! Thanks, Ryan!"

"You're welcome. You just have to promise to let me play next time, you can show me just how good you are."

"Ok. You're much cooler than Mom's boyfriend."

"Ryan!" Theresa admonished. "That's not a very nice thing to say. You like Dominic."

"Yeah, but Ryan's still cooler, Mom."

If Ryan was shocked at the revelation that Theresa had a boyfriend, one she hadn't mentioned, he didn't show it. Instead he just continued on his conversation with Ry without comment.

Even after their meal had arrived, Ryan continued to ask questions, nervous that silence would result in the awkward atmosphere from before returning. He savoured each morsel of information that Ry revealed about in himself in the process. Theresa for the most part remained quiet, allowing for Ryan to get to know his son. She smiled at Ryan occasionally as he looked in her direction.

Near the end of their meal Ry pleaded with his mother for ice-cream as dessert, as Ryan sat back and took his time to look around the restaurant.

It was full of couples and families, some more conventional than others. Some were talking, smiling and enjoying the time spent together. And some looking like they just wanted to go home. He looked at the fathers of these families, wondering what made them so distinguishable as fathers.

Did he look like a father? Did they look like a family?

The idea that they did, both excited and disturbed him at the same time.

**TBC**

**Reviews please!**


	9. Family

**A/N: **Okay, so I've given myself a slap on the wrist already for my extreme lack of updates! But I was having a real hard time writing this chapter, my muse left me for a while and over the holidays, I just couldn't not find the words to type! I want to thank my lovely beta **Ave**, for her support during this time and all her help, love you hun.

So this chappie is a long one, hope it makes up for its delay.

**Enjoy!!!!**

**000000**

**Chapter 8 - Family**

_Did he look like a father? Did they look like a family?_

_The idea that they did both, excited and disturbed him at the same time._

**000000**

Family. To Ryan the word had meant so many different things.

When he was younger he didn't have a great idea of family. He thought all families were like his, if he could call them a family. Dawn and Frank hadn't been the best parents, most of the time Frank wasn't even there. He would disappear for days on end and when he was there he would be drunk and would shout at him and Trey if they got in his way. Sometimes Ryan felt as though he had done something wrong for just daring to breathe.

Dawn hadn't always been so bad; Ryan had vague memories of her at times standing up to Frank when he shouted at her boys. She usually ended up with a black eye for her troubles. So she drank and when she drank, Frank disappeared. Then Dawn would stop drinking, Frank would come back and it would start all over again. It was a vicious circle that Ryan tried to hide himself away from as much as possible.

He had sought refuge many times next door, at Theresa's house. Her mother was kind and she made them proper meals and covered his scrapes and bruises with band- aids. It was from spending time with Theresa's family that he realised that being a family wasn't meant to be hard. You weren't meant to feel scared and unsafe in your own home, with your own family. Your parents were meant to give you unconditional love, make you feel safe and protect you from the badness of the world. They were meant to be people you could trust.

He thought things would have gotten better when Frank left one day and didn't return, but by that point Dawn liked her drink too much, and she gambled heavily too. She had found herself a boyfriend who hadn't been any better than Frank. The boyfriend would drink and shout the same, and on the occasions that he would drink he would shove Ryan and Trey around, whilst Dawn feigned ignorance and smoked her cigarettes. She had learnt her lesson.

Trey had tried to look out for his little brother. He would take Ryan and the two would walk around the neighbourhood or go to one of Trey's friends houses to escape being at their own. But Trey had just been a kid himself, a kid who attracted trouble and when he found himself in the biggest trouble of all, he took Ryan down with him.

In the end Ryan figured that having a family just meant trouble, though he still loved his mother and brother, he didn't trust them. He didn't trust anyone, until he met the Cohens.

They had taken him in and he found the love and, eventually, the trust that had been missing from his own true family. Sandy was the dad that protected him, helped him when he needed advice and guidance. Kirsten was the mother who loved him, worried about him and tried to make him feel better when he was down, and Seth was the brother that was his friend.

Sure they had problems, just like everyone else, but he realised that problems were something that you overcame together as a family and it made you stronger.

With the Cohens he had fashioned together his own unique family, picking up different people along the way; Julie, Kaitlyn, The Bullet and eventually his own father Frank again.

Taylor had also become part of his patchwork family, he loved and trusted her above all others. She was his best friend (although he wouldn't ever let Seth find that out); she was his lover and confidant.

He had begun to hope that one day they would start on their own family together, when he thought about it, he hadn't imagined anyone else but her to be the mother of his children. They hadn't spoken about starting a family of their own, but he had always known that she was the one.

But that had all changed now, because someone else was the mother of his first child.

Ryan stood outside the door to their apartment, hand poised on the doorknob, key held up to the lock, but he made no move to put it in and unlock the door to let himself inside. He had been standing outside for sometime now, it may have only been a couple of minutes or ten, he didn't know. Each time he had decided to go in he would stop, pull back and just look at the door.

He was feeling conflicted; his overwhelming happiness at the success of his first meeting with Ry was shadowed by the slightest feeling of guilt. He would be lying to himself if he said he didn't know where it came from; he knew full well that his thoughts towards the latter part of the evening had bothered him, been the reason behind the taint on his feelings of relief and pleasure that the evening went so well.

Sitting in the booth at the restaurant he had felt like the three of them together were a family. The son he had only just found out about and the woman who was his son's mother but not his girlfriend, the woman he loved. The part that scared him the most, that made him feel most guilty, was the split second that he had wanted it all to be true. That they were a family like all the others in the restaurant and he forgot, for one second, he forgot about the woman who would be waiting for him at home.

He had been feeling guilty a lot lately, and truth be told he was slightly sick of it. He knew he shouldn't have felt guilty about missing the first nine years of Ry's life; his first smile, his first step and word, his first day at school. It wasn't his fault, he didn't purposely miss it, he had been kept from it. He could blame it all on Theresa.

But the guilt he felt now, he couldn't blame on anyone but himself.

He took one last deep breath and put his key in the lock and turned it, opening the door to the dark apartment.

**000000**

Taylor sat in the dark of the apartment at the small table on one side of the kitchen. Muted blue light from the moon outside sliced through the room as it streamed in from the windows casting it in light and shadows. She swirled the dark wine in her glass and then lifted it to her lips, she had been home for a while now and had been sitting in the same position, with the same glass of wine…waiting for Ryan.

As much as she had tried not to give it too much thought, Sarah's words kept coming to the forefront of her mind.

Her friend had meant well, she was prepping Taylor by giving her all the worse case scenarios so they didn't come as a surprise if, and that was a _huge_ if, they did happen. Sarah didn't want Taylor and Ryan to break up, as relationships went they were her benchmark; she was looking for her own 'Ryan' after all. Taylor had the sneaking suspicion her two friends had planned their assault before hand; Sarah was the bad cop, laying out all the negatives, while Lucas was the good cop, highlighting all the positives. They weighed out the pros and cons of the situation and analysed them on behalf of their friend.

She loved them for it but wish they hadn't bothered, because now all she was left with were thoughts on the bad case scenarios; and the good case scenarios were harder and harder to remember the more she thought about it.

_Happy families_. Growing up Taylor didn't have the quintessential 'happy family' memories; her life wasn't as bad as Ryan's, far from it. She had a good house to live in, nice clothes, she went to good schools and had nice holidays, even if she was left on her own to do as she pleased whilst her mother flirted with the younger guys at the pool.

Although it may have seemed like she had everything, all the materialistic things, Taylor didn't have the love from her parents that she craved, she barely even saw her father and her mother was always full of disapproving remarks. She had always felt alone, she didn't have any brothers and sister to play with, apart from her father's children with his new wife but they were on the other side of the country and she didn't even know their names, and she never had any friends to create memories with.

Growing up Taylor was always trying to please her mother, she had tried to be mature and act like an adult, her mother abhorred childish behaviour, and as a result Taylor felt like she had never really been a kid. The older she got, the harder it was to understand what it meant being a child, how they thought, what they liked, how to talk to them, and as a result she was, to be honest, not all that child friendly.

Previously that had never been a problem, she had never been around children, but then came Sophie Rose and Joshua, Ryan's younger sister and brother. As babies they were fine, she held them until they began to cry, fed them occasionally and helped to put them to sleep every time she babysat with Ryan. But when they got to about three years old, she didn't know how to handle them, making funny faces and talking in a silly voice just wasn't enough anymore.

Taylor had tried her best to get them to like her, but where her mind ran a mile a minute with things to say to adults, when she was around kids her mind went blank. She didn't think kids would be all that interested in French poetry or workplace politics, she had tried talking about anime but beheading and bloodshed wasn't really appropriate conversation for seven year olds (and Kirsten had even banned Seth from talking to them about it) so she was stumped with what to say.

Ryan was most definitely Sophie and Josh's favourite, they would jump up and down with excitement and launch themselves at him every time he entered the house. He was a natural with kids and when he was around, everyone else was forgotten. So Taylor didn't really think anyone noticed her discomfort and worries because she was always with Ryan when she saw them, and so forgotten.

Summer often looked after Sophie on her own or with Seth, and at times Taylor felt the slight pangs of jealousy creep up at how well she did so; Summer was another natural with children, she would be a wonderful mother.

But when Taylor thought of having to look after Sophie or Josh by herself, she was slightly terrified, what would she do with them, she couldn't just put them in front of the television, they were too boisterous, Sophie especially, for that.

Again her thoughts came back to her conversation with her friends. She had told them that she wasn't at the dinner because it was best that Ryan got to know his son himself first, and that was true. Partly. She also hadn't gone and was thankful Ryan hadn't asked, for a reason she kept to herself; she was scared that Ry wouldn't like her; that she wouldn't know what to say to him, just like with Sophie and Josh.

Taylor imagined that Theresa was a wonderful mother. From the brief moment she had seen her interact with Ry at her birthday party, Taylor imagined her to be the kind of mother that was friends with her child, as well as a maternal figure. The kind that had lots of childhood 'when I was your age' stories, the kind of stories that Taylor didn't have.

Taylor lifted the glass to her lips again and then threw a quick glance at the digital clock on the microwave; it was nearing 10 o'clock.

Taylor wondered if her maternal instincts would kick in if she had her own children. Yes, she had thought about her future with Ryan, he was the man she loved completely, the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, but she hadn't really thought about them starting their own family before now.

She had previously been so focused on achieving the goals she had set for herself, she had always worked through life in stages; to do well in school, which she had done, she was valedictorian after all. To go to the best college, to get the best possible qualifications for her future, she had been top of her class during her time at the Sorbonne. And her goal recently had been to carve out the best career for herself, she loved working at the paper but she wanted to more than just having a weekly column. Taylor wanted to be a well-respected journalist, and she knew that it was going to take a lot of hard work to achieve it.

Two weeks ago, Taylor had thought she and Ryan had all the time in the world to plan out their future together. She had been happy, everything had been perfect the way they were. She wasn't in a rush to change the things that had been working so well; she had wanted Ryan for herself for the time being. But life, such as it was, had changed things for her; a chance encounter had her questioning everything that she had thought was so secure.

The clock now told her it was 10.25, Taylor knew dinner must have been over a while ago and she wondered where Ryan was now. Did Theresa have him playing happy families like Sarah said? Her treacherous mind brought up images of Ryan and Theresa tucking Ry in to bed and then gazing happily over his sleeping form, proud parent smiles beaming from their faces.

The light of the kitchen was suddenly flicked on, flooding the room and washing away the images from her mind, as Ryan stood at the entryway with a puzzled look on his face.

"Why were you sitting in the dark?" He asked.

"Oh, no reason, just er," Taylor glanced toward the window, " just enjoying the moonlight." She punctuated the end of her sentence with wide smile, hiding all her previous musings behind it.

Ryan looked at her for a second longer, and then moved to place his briefcase on the side. Taylor knew he wouldn't question her further, he'd said before that he wouldn't always understand how her mind worked, but he would always love her mind. Taylor thought back to one of her most treasured memories, using it as reassurance in the face of all her questions.

**000000**

_Taylor stood in the middle of the room with a determined look on her face and her hands planted firmly on her hips. She could see Ryan struggling not to laugh but the subtle shake of his shoulders gave him away, followed by the grin on his handsome face, the grin she always loved to see._

_All her determination fell like cards around her as he moved to stand in front of her and cup her face in his hands. She brought her own hands up to hold on to his wrists. _

"_Taylor, I'll never understand how that brilliant mind of yours works, but I know I'll always love it."_

_He kissed her then squarely on the forehead, his thumbs moved back and forth over her cheeks and he looked down at her through lowered lashes. Gone was the amusement from before in his eyes, replaced by a look of intensity that turned his blue eyes a few shades darker and her insides into a quivering mass._

_With his voice lowered to a whisper he said, "I will always love the way your nose wrinkles, right here," and he kissed the bridge of her nose, "when your confused."_

_He ran a thumb over her bottom lip, "I will always love your smile," he lowered his head to hers until she could feel the warmth of his breath on her skin. "I will always love your lips." He closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her up and crushing her body to his. _

_She moved her hands to run through his hair, pulling him closer, she needed more; his kisses were always intoxicating. Her lips parted and their tongues touched, alternating between caressing and teasing. She pushed herself against him, as if trying to mould them into one being, her hands clinging to his shoulders. His hands moved to her lower back, holding her tight, heating her insides and fanning the fire that licked at her lower belly._

_Ryan pulled away and Taylor tried to catch her breath. He placed butterfly kisses on the corner of her moth, along her jaw and down her neck. With a voice thick with lust he said, "I will always love the skin behind you ear." He placed an open kiss on the smooth skin just behind her ear, sucking it lightly and a moan escaped from her parted lips. Ryan kissed along her neck again, starting from the hollow at the base, tilting her head back and working his way up to her jaw._

"_I will always love the way I can make you moan." Taylor lifted her head and looked at Ryan with heavy eyes. He kissed her again, this time it was slow, sweet, as he took his time. His hands moved from around her back to sweep up her sides until he brought them to a stop on her ribcage, his thumbs brushing just under her breasts._

_He looked into her eyes once more, as his fingers worked the first button on her shirt. _

"_But what I," another button was popped open. _

"_Will always," another button. _

"_Love," another button. _

"_The most," he undid the last button and pulled open the sides of her shirt until it fell to the floor._

"_Is your heart, the love it has to give," he bent his head forward and kissed the skin just above her left breast, on the skin over her heart._

_Ryan stood straight and pulled her to him once again, through his shirt she could feel the heat from his body, "I will always love you, Taylor."_

**000000**

He said he would always love her. She didn't need to worry or let Sarah's words scare her, it didn't matter what Theresa wanted; Ryan was hers. He would always love her.

"How was your night?" Ryan's voice pulled Taylor out of her thoughts.

"It doesn't matter how my night was," she said with a wave of her hands, "how was dinner? Did it all go well with Ry?"

"It went ok."

Taylor looked at Ryan and blinked, "OK? That's it, just ok? Ryan, you had dinner with your _son_. You were worried about this all week…and all your going to say is OK?"

Taylor wasn't particularly religious, but she prayed to whoever was listening that the dinner had indeed gone well. She knew it would be killing Ryan if Ry rejected him in someway and Ryan would keep it all to himself.

"He liked his present. You were right, he didn't wonder why I was giving him something." The corner of Ryan's lips quirked into a barely there smile as he remembered Ry's expression when he saw the present, his excitement as he explained to Ryan why the game was so good, how his friends were going to be so jealous, that he couldn't wait to play it.

Every word that had come out of Ry's mouth had made Ryan's heart swell just a little bit more, as it brought him that much closer to knowing his son.

"It, uh, it went well. He likes me at least, I think."

"That's great." Taylor smiled, although inside she was confused. It seemed as though Ryan was holding back, had something happened? "Did you tell him who you were?"

"No, Theresa only introduced me as her friend."

Taylor wondered what kind of 'friend' Theresa intended Ryan to be; then cursed herself for her jealousy. _ Ryan loves you,_ she reminded herself,_ and this is about Ryan's son_. "And you're ok with that?"

"I have to be. She's his mother, she knows him the best."

"Yeah, I guess she does."

"He's completely different to me, you know. He talks a lot." Taylor noticed that his eyes were unseeing as he was pulled into a memory from earlier that evening. "Every time he spoke, it reminded me that I had missed so much. I have a son, and he's perfect…and I don't even know him."

Taylor moved to stand next to him, "Ryan…"

"But tonight was a start," Ryan smiled fully, "We were talking and laughing, the three of us sat there and it was nice. He was telling me about his friends, the things he likes, that he thinks I'm old," he laughed softly, "and…I actually felt like I was a dad."

Taylor's heart clenched, hearing the words that Ryan didn't say.

Ryan felt like he was part of a family.

She didn't say anything, just continued to listen and watched his face as he talked, animated with a happiness that she hadn't seen before. The happiness he got from spending time with his son; the joy of being a father.

**TBC**

**Reviews Please!!**


	10. Just The Two Of Them

**A/N:** Ok, so here it is…new chapter! Les, you are a doll as always.

So I'm really nervous about this chapter for some reason. So please tell me what you think, I would really appreciate your feedback on this one, but also… please be nice!

This one's for Shar, my simultaneous buddy! Sweetheart, I can't thank you (and Les) enough for your friendship and support, you both are wonderful!

So **Enjoy!!!!!**

**000000**

**Chapter 9- Just The Two Of Them**

_She didn't say anything, just continued to listen and watched his face as he talked, animated with a happiness that she hadn't seen before. The happiness he got from spending time with his son; the joy of being a father._

**000000**

Taylor shifted once again as she sat on the uncomfortable plastic chair, the effort was futile though, as the chair was never going to become comfortable.

The walls of the room she sat in were stark white, except for the splashes of colour from the few posters that were tacked onto the wall, and the floor was faded, scuffed in the places where people had constantly moved back and forth over it. The odour of bleach filled the air, mixing in with the smell of coffee coming from behind the reception desk. The two smells mixed together to make Taylor's stomach churn unpleasantly. She gazed over to the reception where the receptionist clicked on her computer and shifted through papers on her desk, seemingly unfazed by, or immune to, the smell.

No one knew she was here, not even Ryan. No one knew about her first visit, three weeks ago, either. There hadn't been any point in saying anything, getting Ryan worried, in case in it all came to nothing.

But as she sat there, idly flicking through one of the many old issues of _People_ magazine, she knew.

Taylor already knew that in a few minutes she was going to be told something she didn't want to hear. Not now. But with the way things had been going lately she knew that what she wanted wasn't going to happen no matter how desperate she was to hear good news; and desperate she was. Her desperation had been fuelled last night after Ryan had come home from his dinner with Ry and Theresa. As she watched him talk, it silently grew further.

The intercom speakers buzzed overhead and the crackled voiced announced, "Miss Townsend to Room One, please."

Taylor put down the magazine she had been holding and picked up her bag, crossing to the other side of the waiting room. She knocked on the door before entering.

The room was just as white as the waiting room had been; an examination bed was pushed up to the wall on Taylor's left, and a concertinaed screen stood at its foot. The opposite wall had a plain white porcelain sink in the corner, with an anti-bacterial soap dispenser fixed above it and a box of surgical gloves on the shelf.

Sat at the desk to Taylor's right, was a woman who looked to be in her forties. As Taylor entered she looked up from her computer screen and smiled.

"Come in. Have a seat, Miss Townsend." Dr Prendergast gestured to the empty chair next to her desk. Taylor closed the door behind her and took her seat.

"How are you today?" The doctor asked kindly.

"Good, thanks." Taylor replied in a rush, she didn't want to make pleasantries; she just wanted her results and wished the doctor would hurry up.

"So, before we get to your results," Taylor mentally cursed, "I need to know if there have been any changes in the last four weeks. Has your cycle settled any? Are there still irregularities?"

"No changes. It's still pretty much the same, this is my tenth week and it still hasn't come."

"I see." Dr Prendergast turned to her computer and clicked a few times, reading over the information that she brought up on the screen. "Well, I considered what we spoke about during your last visit and I received the results for your blood test last week. I did note some irregularities, but I thought it best to wait for the results of your ultrasound."

Eight months ago Taylor had read an article on the damaging side effects of being on the birth control pill for too long, she had been taking it since she was sixteen, and decided to stop taking it for a year or two. She knew that her cycle wouldn't be as regular as it was before for the first couple of months, which it wasn't, and that she would have to be extra careful with Ryan, which she was. But after the first four months, she began to worry because it didn't seem that anything was settling down. It was still irregular. Like, three months of nothing irregular.

Panicked, she wondered if she and Ryan hadn't been careful enough. Secretly, she took three pregnancy tests- all were negative. Unsure of what was wrong and scared that she had already been on the pill too long, she booked an appointment with her doctor.

Taylor's hands fidgeted with the strap of her bag that she held in her lap. _Irregularities? That didn't sound good. What did it mean?_

"Irregularities? What does that mean?" She asked, voicing her thoughts.

"Well, it seems that the level of progesterone in your blood was lower than normal and you have a slightly higher level of insulin and androgens. I waited, however, upon your scan before making the final diagnosis, considering you had just come off the birth control pill."

Dr Prendergast opened the manila folder that had been sat on the corner of her desk and pulled out three scans, turning the top one towards Taylor, she indicated to the black and white picture.

"This is your right ovary and it shows that you have a number of cysts on the surface." She pulled out the second scan from underneath and placed it on top, again indicating to Taylor. "This is your left ovary and although there were fewer cysts, there were still more than would typically be found."

Taylor peered at the scan, she couldn't really tell what she was looking at; it all looked fuzzy to her, but nodded along as Dr Prendergast spoke.

"So, what does this mean?" She already knew what it meant. It meant she was being told the 'something' she didn't want to hear. Cysts on ovaries weren't exactly good news.

"I believe that you suffer from Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, Miss Townsend." The doctor's voice was clinical as she gave the diagnosis but still kind, she gazed at her young patient waiting for her to take in what she had just said before continuing. "It is very common, it is believed that one in five women suffer from it. However, it is difficult to determine for sure, as there are varying degrees."

"I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome." It was a statement, more for her own benefit than a question for the doctor.

"Yes, I believe so," Dr Prendergast answered her non-question. "There are several symptoms, they vary from irregular periods, as is your situation it appears, to acne, excess hair, weight gain and… in some cases…" this was always the hardest part to say, many patients didn't take it very well, "possibly fertility problems."

"I can't have children." The words seemed to echo in Taylor's head, as everything else she had been thinking disappeared from her mind. The size of the room narrowed to just her and the fuzzy grey pictures that she still couldn't make out on the desk.

"That is only in some cases, not all suffers have every symptom." No response, so the doctor tried again.

"Yes, PCOS does decrease your ability to become pregnant, but it largely depends on the degree from which you suffer." Dr Prendergast explained, though she was sure Taylor still wasn't listening. "PCOS affects your ovulation and your chances of conceiving depend on how often you do so. As you have only recently stopped taking birth control pills, how often you ovulate will become more apparent after a while and then we can determine how it's affected your fertility."

"It's been three months…and I…" Taylor still couldn't form coherent thoughts.

"Yes, well as I said, that could be the result of the pill." Dr Prendergast smiled kindly once again, "give it some more time and make another appointment in a few months, we can examine the situation more clearly then."

"Yes. Thank you, Doctor." Taylor replied automatically, her voice sounding far away, as though she hadn't been the one to say it. She picked her bag up off her lap, shook the doctors hand, walked out the door, through the waiting room and to the exit.

She moved on autopilot, going through the motions.

Her inner voice had come alive with so many thoughts they all became jumbled up into one, yet at the same time she was sure she was thinking nothing at all.

All she could hear was white noise, and all she could feel was numb.

Because she knew; she knew she wouldn't be able to have children.

**000000**

"Ry?" Theresa called to her son as she made her way from her bedroom down the hall to enter into the living room where she found her son on the couch, immersed in playing his new computer game.

"Yeah, mom?"

"Sweetie, I'm going out tonight so Tammy is going to be here in 20 minutes, okay? Please be good. I've told her when you're meant to be in bed, so please don't try and weasel out of it."

Ry had paused his game and turned, leaning over the back of the couch to face his mother. "I'd never do that." He replied, trying hard to look as innocent as any other nine year old.

"Oh, I think you would, mister." Theresa smiled.

"You look nice, mom."

Theresa looked down at her dress; she had made an extra special effort for tonight. If her son noticed then she had definitely done something right. "Thank you, sweetie. So, you like it?" Ry nodded, "does it make my bum look big?" Theresa teased and got the reaction from her son that she knew she would.

"Moooommm…" he whined, scrunching up his face, causing Theresa to laugh. She began to transfer the contents of her day bag into her evening purse.

"Are you going to meet Ryan?"

Theresa paused from checking the contents of her purse upon hearing the question. "Why'd you ask that?"

"No reason," Ry shrugged, "you said he was your friend, and he came to dinner on Friday… and I like him."

Theresa exhaled, "Ry-" she was cut off by the buzz of their doorbell. "Wait here."

Theresa opened the door to her apartment, fully expecting to see Tammy on the other side; the 16 year old from two floors down who regularly babysat Ry for her. A short "Oh," escaped from her lips at the sight of the man standing in the doorway, clearly not the perky blonde she had been expecting.

"Hi," he smiled, taking in her outfit he asked, "this isn't a bad time is it?"

"No, er… come in." Pulling the door open wider, Theresa stood to one side.

"Sorry to just stop by like this. I was close by and didn't think…. you have plans, I should go." He made a move to leave the way he came in and Theresa reached out to place a hand on his arm.

"No, Ryan. Stay, it's fine." She emphasised her point by giving his arm a small squeeze.

Ryan followed Theresa back in to the living room, where Ry had began to play his game again. He took in the small but tidy room; two couches encased a small coffee table both facing towards the television and two bookcases stood in alcoves to the right, the shelves of which held various objects from books to framed pictures, a stack of mail and a bowl of what looked like the dead flowers. The room was nice, lived in… homely.

"Ry, look who's here." Theresa got her son's attention.

"Ryan!" Ry paused his game once again.

"Hey Ry, how you doin' buddy?"

"OK. I've been playin' the game you got me, I've been playin' it all weekend. I'm so good now, wanna see?" Ry started his game once again and the sounds of roaring engines filled the room, as Ry navigated his car around the grid on the screen using his controller.

"So you like it?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah, it's the best game ever!" Ry exclaimed without taking his eyes off the screen.

Ryan took this time to turn towards Theresa; once again he looked down at her dress.

"You look nice." He commented.

Theresa reaction to Ryan's compliment was very different to when her son had told her she looked nice. She cast her eyes downward once again and brushed at the skirt of the dress self-consciously. Her cheeks began to feel hot, as a small blush stained her skin, she kept her head down and hoped Ryan wouldn't notice.

"Oh, well…it's not… I mean it's…" her words came out in no more than a mumble. "Thank you." She finally managed more clearly. She could have smacked herself on the forehead for her flustered answer that was if it wouldn't have made her look anymore stupid than she felt. How had one small, semi-compliment from him turned her into a shy, mumbling, blushing seventeen year old?

The effort she had put into making herself look good tonight had been meant for Dominic, her boyfriend with whom she was having dinner, but she couldn't deny the small part of her that was glad that Ryan had gotten to see her like this.

This her was so different to the girl the he would have remembered; she was more put together, classy, sophisticated even. This her wouldn't have felt as out of place as the old her had surrounded by the Newport elite, with their fancy clothes and expensive jewellery. This her may not have the expensive jewellery and her clothes may not be expensive either, but she still knew that she looked great; that she had come a long way; that she had made something of herself.

And yes, a part of her was secretly happy that she got to show Ryan this. Not that it would have affected him in anyway, and definitely not because she _wanted_ it to affect him, she reminded herself.

"Were you and Ry going out somewhere?" Ryan's voiced pulled Theresa out of her thoughts and back into the living room.

"Just me. I'm going out for dinner with Dominic."

"Oh." Ryan knew he should have called before stopping by. He had been on site at the Andersons Community Centre and it had only been a short drive to Theresa's. He had hoped to stop by for a few hours, to spend some more time Ry. If Theresa was not going to be there, how could he spend time with Ry? Ryan couldn't think of any explanation that seemed plausible for why he was still there after Theresa had gone, with just Ry and…. "Who's staying with Ry?"

"I have a sitter, she should be here soon."

"I could do it."

"You want to baby sit? What about Taylor? I'm not sure how long I'll be gone; won't she be expecting you at home?" Theresa asked.

"I'll call her, she won't mind." Ryan lowered his voice and leaned in closer to Theresa so Ry wouldn't hear. "I want to spend time with my son." He reminded her.

How could she have forgotten? The past week it was all she had been thinking about. How to incorporate spending more time with Ryan into their lives? How to explain to Ry why Ryan was spending time with them? How she was eventually going to tell Ry that Ryan was in fact in his father…without her son hating her. She wanted to be the one to tell him; at a time when she felt it was right.

What if she left Ryan here with Ry and he told him, on purpose or by accident. Theresa felt panicked at the idea that she would come home and her son wouldn't even look at her because he knew she had been lying to him. Her panic must have shown on her face because she heard Ryan's voice still low and close to her ear say, "I won't tell him, not tonight, I promise."

Theresa nodded her head, her eyes fixed on her son.

"But you will have to tell him soon, Theresa. I won't keep playing along forever."

Theresa nodded again. It was true, she couldn't expect him to wait forever; it wasn't fair to any of them.

The doorbell to the apartment rang for the second time that night, allowing Theresa to escape the tense atmosphere that hung between her and Ryan. She opened the door to find both Tammy and Dominic standing there.

"Hi," she looked confusedly at Dominic, "I thought I was meeting you at the restaurant?" She asked him.

He flashed her a warm smile and took a step forward to kiss her cheek, Tammy had slipped through the door already.

"Well, I finished early so thought I would pick you up instead. Aren't you happy?" He asked still beaming down at her.

"Yes, I'm just surprised is all…" Theresa had replied, when actually she wasn't at all that happy. If Dominic was here, that meant the explanation she had prepared to give to him over dinner, about the Ryan being Ry's father, was going to have to be thrown out the window because…

"Ms Diaz? Who's this guy in your living room?" Tammy jerked her thumb in the direction of the living room as she spoke, with the other hand on her hip.

"What guy?" Dominic asked before he moved to follow Tammy into the room.

Theresa followed closely behind and introduced Ryan. The two men shook hands as she said; "Dominic, this is an old friend of mine, Ryan Atwood." Theresa hoped the look she gave Dominic actually conveyed her thoughts of 'ask questions later' before she turned to Tammy, "Tammy, I'm not going to actually need you tonight after all, Ryan's going to look after Ry, is that ok?"

"Yeah, no big. I'll catch you next time, Little Man." She said to Ry before leaving.

Ry, who had stopped playing his video game and was once again leaning over the back of the sofa, asked, "Ryan's gonna stay with me? Cool."

"Yes very cool," Theresa said as she picked up her purse and coat, "but that doesn't mean your not going to bed on time or that you can have more ice-cream, ok?"

"Yeah, mom."

"Now give me a kiss." Ry rolled his eyes before giving Theresa a quick kiss and then he proceeded to wipe his mouth afterwards as he sat back down. Theresa could hear Ryan give a little chuckle behind her.

"He goes to bed at nine, make sure he brushes his teeth and don't let him convince you to let him have anymore ice-cream." She said all in one breath to Ryan who was nodding his head.

"Right, well it was nice meeting you Ryan." Dominic held out his hand once again and Ryan shook it firmly. Then to Theresa he asked; "shall we go?"

"Yes, bye Ryan."

"Bye."

Ryan held his breath until he heard the door to the apartment close behind them. He let it out and looked at Ry; he was going to be spending an entire evening with his son. Just the two of them.

Ry was holding out the controller to Ryan. "Do you want to go first?" He asked just as excitedly as Ryan felt.

**000000**

She had spent the day at the park, just sat on their bench, alternating between staring at the sky and then the people walking around, to just staring unseeing at nothing. She felt…lost and so unlike herself.

Thoughts drifted in and out of her mind, and for the most part she tried not to think of anything, which had been hard, as her brain hadn't been listening when she decided that.

She traced the engraved T R on the first slat of the bench.

He had laughed at her when she told him to do it, that they had claimed this bench as theirs, so they had to let the world know. He said it was childish, she begged until she got her way, he craved the letters and she clapped when he had finished.

She remembered back to their five-year anniversary, they had a perfect picnic together in the park, on their bench. He had gently taken her hand and placed the small black box on her palm. He heart had beaten so hard against her chest she had been sure that it was going to somehow break out and fly away. For the smallest of moments she thought it was a ring, neither had mentioned anything before, they hadn't talked about it, but it could have been. She had opened the box to find a pair of earrings and let out an imaginary sigh.

Even now she wasn't sure if that had been a sigh of relief or disappointment. When she thought about things, she didn't want anything to change, but it was always different in the moment, wasn't it?

School had just let out and mothers had brought their children to the playground, screams of delight and the sound of laughter could clearly be heard where she sat. The sound was sweet torture, the sounds of the future…just not hers.

She wondered how she would tell Ryan. He would be angry that she hadn't told him sooner, and then he would assure her that it'll all be ok, that there was always other options. He would say all the things that you're meant to say to make someone feel better. And she realised she wanted to be at home; she wanted to be with Ryan.

She had come home to find an empty flat, but it had still been too early for Ryan to be home, so she waited in their bed, curled up under the covers, watching the clock on her bedside table.

And she was still waiting.

Taylor awoke to find that two hours had passed since she had come home and there didn't seem to be anyone else there. She checked the living room and kitchen in case Ryan had found her asleep and was being quiet so to not wake her.

But he wasn't there.

Ryan had often been coming home late the last few weeks, spending extra time at work, putting in the hours for his first project. Taylor knew it was important so she was never resentful that it meant she often ate her dinners alone.

But today, right then, she needed him. She picked up the phone and dialled the number to his cell.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me. I was calling to find out what time you were going to be finished at the office?" Taylor asked.

"Oh, well I'm not at the office. I'm actually at Theresa's."

"You are?" Taylor swallowed heavily.

"I offered to baby sit Ry; she went out for dinner with her boyfriend. Is everything all right, Taylor?"

"Yeah."

If Taylor was meant to feel reassured by the fact that Theresa wasn't there and had a boyfriend, it didn't register. It didn't even register that Ryan may not have even called to let her know where he was.

"Are you sure? Did you need to talk?" He sounded concerned.

"Yeah, I'm sure. It wasn't anything important."

It didn't register that Ryan had sounded concerned, that maybe she didn't sound normal on the phone.

All that she could think was that she needed to be with Ryan and he wasn't there.

**TBC**


	11. Something To Tell

**A/N: **I'm sure you've been reading Shar's (whitelilly) wonderful fics; _This Broken Road, Show Me What True Love Is _and _The Memory Will Never Die_, so you'll probably know that she and I are working on a new fic together called _The Way Around Love_. Hopefully we'll be posting it soon. Keep a look out!

**Enjoy!**

**000000**

**Chapter 10 – Something To Tell**

"_Are you sure? Did you need to talk?" He sounded concerned._

"_Yeah, I'm sure. It wasn't anything important."_

_It didn't register that Ryan had sounded concerned, that maybe she didn't sound normal on the phone._

_All that she could think was that she needed to be with Ryan and he wasn't there._

**000000**

She needed to get out, to get away from the suffocating silence of the apartment.

And she needed alcohol, lots and lots of alcohol.

Taylor wanted to stop thinking and forget about everything for just a little while. She wanted her brain to shut down and she wanted feel numb for any other reason than the one she was feeling now.

Her body and mind were at contradictions, her body felt heavy and useless, unable to move from lying curled up on the bed, as if all the energy had seeped out of her, but her mind was racing with more thoughts then she'd like. If only she could get the two to work together, for her brain to stop thinking of anything other then 'get up and get out' and for her body to actually listen.

Her thoughts ran in circles, beginning from just over a week ago, until now. Had it really only been a week and a handful of days? The girl that she thought back to, getting ready for _that_ party, felt so removed from the girl she was now. She was no longer in her happy bubble; she was no longer floating along in it. She still felt as though she was floating, but suspended by delicate strings that could be severed at any moment.

She felt like she was waiting for the drop.

How could a week change things so much, yet not at all?

Taylor pulled herself out of bed and looked in the mirror. She reached for her brush and ran it through her bed hair; her eyes were heavy and glistened with unshed tears. She hadn't cried, she wasn't a crier, and if she had, the sporadic pangs of guilt she had been feeling would have been larger, more persistent.

She felt it, the guilt, every time she thought about Ryan not being there and her mind took the path of resentment. She needed him to be there with her, to listen and comfort her, and the thoughts of resentment branched from there. He wasn't there, he was with _her and their son_, and then the guilt would dart into her thoughts.

She knew she shouldn't begrudge Ryan every chance he had to get to know his son, but that feeling she had of being left behind, though she had stamped it down at Ryan's promise to not shut her out, kept resurfacing. Like the devil on her shoulder, whispering in her ear, arguing irrationally but convincingly with all reason. Fuelling the doubt.

Taylor buttoned up her jeans and pulled on her top, checking her reapplied make-up once again. She picked up her cell, the other person answered on the second ring.

"We're going out." Was all that was needed to be said.

Taylor wasn't naive; if it only took a week for her to feel like this she could see where it was all headed if it continued the way it was. The question was, how long would she hold on?

**000000**

Theresa smiled as Dominic held out her chair.

He had brought her to a new sushi restaurant and bar and for a weeknight the place was packed. The tables were filled with couples and groups but it was nothing like the pizza restaurant she went to with Ryan. Everyone here was young and sophisticated, mingling at the bar; there were no children, no families. The lighting was low and the décor was all wood and chrome. Minimal. It was these kinds of places that Dominic liked.

Dominic reached for her hand over the table, the one that had been worrying the stem of her wine glass.

"Hey, why the nerves?" He asked, his easy smile crinkling the corner of his eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"Well short of wringing your hands together, you've been acting pretty nervous. It's not me is it?" He teased.

"No," she smiled, "but I have something to tell you."

"Sounds interesting. Would it have something to do with Ry?"

Theresa nodded her head and looked to where their hands were joined. "When I told you that Ry's father was out of the picture, that he wasn't coming back, that was true. Except it wasn't really his choice."

Theresa paused to see if Dominic would say something, he didn't so she carried on.

"Ry's father didn't know about him. He didn't abandon us or anything, he just… didn't know." She thought it was best if she left out the bit where she had lied, she didn't want to have to go through justifying her actions all over again, so she kept it simple. "I thought that I could bring Ry up by myself and never have to tell him, the father, I mean. He was living his own life and I had mine. I didn't think I'd ever see him again, didn't think he'd ever have to find out." Theresa realised that still didn't sound any better. "You must think I'm a horrible person."

"What? No." Dominic shook his head slightly and squeezed her hand. "Of course not, he left and you decided to do what was best, for you and your son."

Dominic was always so understanding and kind; she felt guilty for not telling him everything but it was nice to feel like she had someone on her side, some support.

"Yeah," she replied vaguely. "But it doesn't seem like it was an all that great a decision now."

"What do you mean?"

"When we were in Newport, the night we were having dinner and I told you to go on home without me?"

Dominic nodded. He had been waiting for Theresa to come back after she had gone after Ryan as he chased after his damn frog (Dominic hated animals), he had waited on his own for sometime before deciding to go in search of them. He had met Theresa halfway as she had come back in, she told him to go on to his beach condo on his own (it was where they were meant to be spending the weekend in Newport). Theresa hadn't really given him a full explanation as to why she wasn't coming and he hadn't pushed for a reason.

"Well, we crossed paths that night for the first time in nine years and with Ryan with me, well…he found out."

"That's why you didn't come to the condo." When she had told him to go on without her, he knew that she wasn't going to have come.

"Yes." They had driven down separately, and instead of going to Dominic's, Theresa had just driven home, Ry asleep in the back and Wort in his cage.

"So, this guy…Ryan's father, I'm guessing he was the guy at your apartment?"

"Yes, Ryan Atwood is Ryan's father." It felt good to say it, to tell someone. Other than her mother, no else in her life knew, she had never let those words pass from her lips so directly before.

"But Ry doesn't know that yet, does he?" Dominic remembered the way Theresa had introduced Ryan as just a friend, the way her eyes had been pleading not to make too much about it. At the time he thought she was silently asking him not to be jealous or anything, now he realised she hadn't wanted him to ask questions about Ryan in front of Ry.

"No, he thinks he's just a friend."

**000000**

"That's it, I give up!"

"I thought you said you played? I beat you every time!"

"That's 'cause you're just too good for me." Ryan grinned a little at Ry and ruffled his hair. They had been playing for just over an hour and each time Ryan had pretended to be bad at the game and let Ry win, but then the one time he actually tried to win Ry still beat him, he obviously was as good as he thought.

Ryan had found himself able to relax with Ry and let himself go in a way that he really hadn't before with anybody. He had joined in with Ry's excited shouts at the television, telling his car to go faster, teasing Ry that he was going to win; he made the exaggerated movements of a steering wheel when they had done a crazy lap.

He had let his inner child out to play with his son and acted carefree and frivolous.

**000000**

"When are you going to tell him? I'm sure Ryan wants to fully be apart of Ry's life now." Dominic lifted his wine glass and took a sip.

Theresa wondered if he meant more by his question than what it was at face value, then she decided that she was reading too much into it.

"He does, he wants Ry to know that he's his father, but he's agreed to wait until the time that I think is best."

"And what about you?"

"What do you mean?" Theresa asked, confused.

"I mean, what does he want from you?"

"N… nothing. Just for me to let him be a part of Ry's life, I guess."

**000000**

"Did you win all these, Ry?" Ryan asked as he looked at some small trophies proudly displayed on the shelves in the alcoves.

"Yeah, they're for the soccer team I'm on in school."

"I like soccer."

"I've got a game in two weeks, I wanna go to the park and practice more but Mom doesn't like being in goal."

Ryan laughed at the image of Theresa diving to stop the ball. He could see why she wouldn't like it, at least now anyway.

"You know, when your mom and I were kids we used to play soccer and baseball all the time. Your grandma used to tell her off for coming back all dirty."

Ry's face lit up with mischief at being told this hidden part of his mother's life. It was pure ammunition for a kid to know this kind of stuff. "Really? That doesn't sound like her. What else did she do?"

"She used to come up with all these games that ended with us usually being in trouble, but were always loads of fun. And in the summer instead of watering your grandma's plants, she'd start water fights and then end up getting told off."

"So Mom was naughty as a kid then?"

"No."

"That's not what you said."

"I…." Ryan stopped when he realised he'd just been smooth talked (and very easily at that) into giving Ry information on his mother that she probably didn't want him to know, it was what Theresa had warned him about. He shook his head and smiled a little, "you're good."

Ry only smiled further, and Ryan couldn't help but smile back. "You better not tell her I told you that."

"I won't." Ry promised, then in a smaller more unsure voice then he usually used he asked, "hey, Ryan?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you take me to the park? To practice?" Ry didn't look at Ryan and his voice was still unsure as he asked.

"Sure, buddy." Ryan's heart swelled yet again. "We can go for a kick-about whenever you want." It was a promise he fully intended to keep, no matter what.

"And… will you come watch me play?"

Ryan put his arm around Ry and gave him a half shake, half hug and with the smile that had been permanently fixed on his face whilst in his son's presence he said, "I wouldn't miss it for the world."

**000000**

"I meant legally, Theresa. Have you thought about that, talked to Ryan about custody or anything?"

Theresa was a little taken back, she hadn't thought of anything past letting Ryan spend time with Ry and how to tell Ry eventually that Ryan was his father. Ryan hadn't mentioned anything legal, but that didn't mean he hadn't thought about it. Fear gripped her slightly by the throat and she took a large gulp of her wine to push it away. Would Ryan try to take her son away from her? No, Ryan wouldn't do that, he wasn't that guy. He may have been angry at her, although he seemed less angry the last few times she had seen him than he was that day at the diner, but he would never be malicious. She knew in her gut; custody, lawyers, courts was not something she would have to worry about with Ryan. They would be able to work this out themselves.

"No, we haven't. But Ryan's not that kind of guy. He just wants to be a part of Ry's life and I'll let him." She explained.

"Well, it doesn't hurt to know where you stand. Just in case." Dominic reasoned, once again reaching for her hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"I'll think about it."

She didn't really want to get any lawyers involved; she couldn't do that to Ryan. She had hurt him enough already, she had seen it in his eyes, briefly, after he first laid eyes on Ry, after he realised Ry was his son. She trusted Ryan, even after all these years whether he held the same level of trust for her or not. She didn't think she would be able to see that hurt expression on his face again, and know that she was the reason behind it.

**000000**

Ryan looked at some of the baby pictures that were held on to the fridge with magnets, they were obviously of Ry. There was one of him on all fours, the photographer had got down to his level and taken the picture as he had crawled towards the camera. The one next to it was Ry asleep in the same position that he had seen Sophie and Josh sleep in as babies. On their back, face to the side and arms up with their hands bunched into fists like a champion fighter.

One picture had slipped down to the bottom of the refrigerator door, the magnet obviously not that strong. Ryan bent down to pick it up. It showed Theresa, smiling, her happiness breaking through the obvious tiredness that showed on her face. She was holding Ry up above the shallow water of a baby bath; he clearly didn't like it as his face was screwed up and red.

Ryan thought he was over feeling angry and hurt that he had missed some of the most important years of his son's life. But looking at these pictures… they were just a fresh reminder of all those feelings, all those years.

He put the picture down beside the two mugs of hot chocolate he had been making. He wasn't sure if Theresa allowed Ry to have it, she had only mentioned ice cream. It was just another thing he didn't know, but he would learn. Ryan promised himself he would get to know all that he could about his son.

Ryan picked up both mugs and the picture caught his eye again. He put the mugs down and picked up the picture. He folded it in half and put it in his pocket.

He picked up the mugs again and walked back to his son.

**000000**

Taylor could hardly move through the crowd, people's feet seemed to magically find her own and their elbows found her sides. She reached out for Lucas's hand as he purposefully walked ahead of her, navigating through the crowd like a pro. Keeping close to Lucas she eventually found herself standing next to him at the bar.

"The good stuff?" He asked her.

"Absolutely." She sighed. Lucas flagged down the barman and Taylor looked around.

The new bar had been Lucas' idea, she would have gladly just gone to The Red Lounge, their usually place, and ensconced herself in a booth, telling the barman to keep them coming. Hell, she would have gladly gone to any dive bar that sold liquor. The grimier the better, it would have suited the dark cloud Lucas told her she had hanging over her head when he first saw her.

But she was with Lucas, and he didn't 'do' dive bars, so she agreed to come to the sushi bar slash restaurant he was dying to visit. She just wanted alcohol.

At times like these, being in Lucas's company was easy. He knew when to ask questions, and when not to. Lucas had only commented on her 'dark cloud' and then didn't say another word about it; instead he ordered tequila from the barman.

"And the wine." She supplied.

"Okay, okay. Sheesh, black cloud or not, you're still bossy!"

They picked up their drinks and found a tall table with high stools to perch on; it was cluttered with glasses from the patrons that had recently vacated it. Taylor pushed them aside and placed her drink in front of her.

"That barman was cute, I should get his number, dontcha think?"

Taylor merely shrugged and picked up her shot of tequila, threw her head back and downed it in one go. It burned the back of her throat and warmed her insides as it settled in her stomach. It felt good.

She looked at Lucas, who was watching her with one raised eyebrow. "Okay, what is wrong with you?"

"Nothing." She really didn't want to talk about it.

"Really?" he eyed her suspiciously, " 'Cause the little black cloud look and downing tequila shots are _just screaming_ 'I'm fine'."

"It's nothing. And if I wanted twenty questions instead of a drinking buddy I would have gone out with Sarah." Taylor winced at the harshness in her voice, it felt good to say it for an instant, but it left a bitter taste in her mouth,

"Meow! Didn't think you had that in you, must be the tequila talking."

Taylor didn't know what was wrong with her, the entire day her moods had been swinging faster than she could keep track of. If she didn't know any better she could blame it on PMS, but she wasn't going to be PM'ing out of that abbreviation anytime soon. The day felt so long, she had started it hopeful if not a little desperate. Leaving the doctors office she had began to feel through her initial numbness; sat on the bench she had been lost and slightly melancholic. As though she was silently grieving for something she never had, something she may never have.

She had lain in her bed, alternating in quick succession between feeling lonely, miserable, angry, guilty and then nothing. Some of those feelings she felt she could justify, some she couldn't. She just needed a chance to escape it all, for a while, to think of nothing, to feel nothing and for no other reason then the fact she was inebriated.

"Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean it. It's just that… I mean…" Taylor sighed and held her head in her hands; the 'Nothing Plan' wasn't working so far. "Can we not talk about it? Please?"

"Okay. Well when you want to talk about it, I'm here. But right now, I'm here…with tequila." Lucas grinned, pushing another shot glass closer to Taylor and she accepted.

"Talk to me about something. Anything." Taylor asked as she pulled the lemon she had sucked dry out her mouth.

"Well, those two girls over there… the blond one is asking the other who did her boob job. She's one drink and one question away from asking her if she can feel them." Lucas said, voice totally serious.

Taylor giggled. She loved this game, especially when she played it with Lucas. The three of them, Lucas, Sarah and herself, played it regularly as they people-watched at lunch and in bars. This was escapism, getting into the lives of others.

"Your turn."

"Okay." Taylor looked around and spotted a couple stood at the bar. "That guy is telling the girl he has 'connections' and he could 'deal' with her boyfriend and take her out to lunch at the same time."

Lucas raised an eyebrow, "yes, he does have a Mafioso look about him. Way too many buttons undone on his shirt."

"The girl looks like a rabbit caught in a trap, poor thing."

"Now that couple seem to have a tragic love affair vibe. She's probably telling him she can't see him anymore, that she has to go back to her husband and be a good little wife."

Taylor looked over at the couple Lucas was looking at and froze. The couple was sat so the guy had his back to her and so she had a clear view of the woman's face. Taylor had only seen her once, and even then she had been slightly drunk, but she wasn't likely to forget what _she_ looked like.

Theresa.

The ex-girlfriend of her boyfriend.

The mother of her boyfriend's child.

The big change of the past week and handful of days, was sat now 10 feet away, having a romantic meal by candle light, while Taylor was attempting to, let's face it, drown her sorrows.

Had Theresa seen her? It didn't look like it, she and, who Taylor assumed to be her boyfriend, were deep in conversation, he was reaching over to take her hand. Should she go and say hello? Taylor really didn't want to, after saying 'hello' she would probably have to make conversation and Taylor didn't want to make conversation with anyone apart from Lucas, and even then they weren't talking about anything taxing.

She really didn't want to talk to the woman who was, after today, the epitome of everything she, herself, wouldn't be able to give Ryan. A son, a family, and the life he clearly wanted.

"We have to leave." She stated as she finished off her drink and picked up her things.

"Why? Do you know them?" Lucas asked as he followed Taylor to the exit.

Once outside Taylor breathed in large gulps of fresh air, adjusting to the space of the street after being in the crowded bar which had felt like it had become a thousand times smaller as soon as she had spotted Theresa.

"Who were they?"

"The woman. That was Theresa." The pin to her previously perfect bubble, the woman whose sudden reappearance was changing everything, bit by bit, that Taylor held so dear.

"Oh." For a man of many words, that was all Lucas could come up with then. After a pause he asked, "wanna go somewhere else?"

Taylor nodded her head and the two of them began to walk down the street. They passed some more restaurants until Taylor stopped outside a sports bar. It was somewhere she would never go, it looked like it was dark inside and it probably smelled. No one she knew would be in there. It was perfect.

"We're going in here." Taylor grabbed Lucas's arm to stop him from walking any further.

"Okay, your little black cloud has clearly burst and rained all over you. I'm not going in there until you tell me what's going on." Lucas demanded, although his voice was tinged with worry. "You're acting weird and it's totally creeping me out. I know I said I wouldn't ask, but Tay… please, talk to me."

Taylor clutched at the last semblance of composure she had left in her; she was _not_ going to cry. This was why she didn't want to talk about it. She knew talking about the PCOS with Ryan was going to be hard enough, but to add his non-presence and seeing Theresa on top of that, was definitely just going to make her break down.

"Oh God, Tay. Sweetie, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry."

Taylor took a few deep breaths and let the shudders pass through her body. "You didn't, Lucas. I'm okay." She looked at him but didn't smile. "I'll tell you everything, but can we get a drink first?"

**000000**

Once again Ryan was at his own door, keys in hand, as he arrived home from another night with his son. He wondered if Taylor was still awake waiting for him. He hadn't forgotten that she sounded different, distant on the phone, but she had assured him that nothing was wrong, so he had to believe her. He couldn't leave where he was; he had Ry to look after, Ryan hoped she understood that.

If she was still awake, maybe she would want to talk now, although he doubted that she was, it was late.

Dominic brought Theresa home a little after 10 o'clock. Ryan had been sat on the sofa since he had put Ry to bed. First he looked through one of Ry's schoolbooks. It was amazing just looking at his writing, the words he had written, and the sentences he wrote. An overwhelming surge of pride hit him, as he read.

Then Ryan had found a photo album on the bottom shelf of the bookshelf, he knew it was close to an invasion of privacy to be looking through all of Theresa things, but he couldn't help himself. He was like a thirsty man drinking in all the new details of Ry's life that he had missed.

When Theresa had come into the living room, he was still flicking through it. She didn't seem to mind that he had been looking; instead she sat down and told him the story behind each picture. Where it was taken, when it was taken, who took it, and Ryan was thankful.

As he entered, the apartment was, once again, dark. He checked the kitchen once again, but Taylor wasn't there. The living room was empty as well. Ryan pulled at the buttons on the cuff of his shirt as he walked into the bedroom. In the dark he could just make out the shape of a body beneath the unmade covers on Taylor's side of the bed. He moved silently round the room, undressing.

As he took off his watch, the sound of the front door banging open reverberated through the apartment, followed by a high pitched 'Oops!' It was clearly Taylor, he could tell by the sound of her voice, but if she was… Ryan pulled back the covers of the bed and realised in the dark, the lumps of the unmade bed had only looked like Taylor had been sleeping in the bed.

Ryan came into the hallway and found Taylor shushing the front door.

"Taylor?"

"Ryan!" She exclaimed as she flung out an arm in greeting.

"You're drunk." He hadn't seen her _this_ drunk in a long time and he tried to think of why she would have been today. She was stood two feet away from him, but for some reason, the gap felt like an ocean. When had it changed to that?

He moved toward her, pulling her keys from the lock and threw them on the table by the door. When he turned back to Taylor she was swaying on her feet and her eyes were shutting with tiredness, Ryan put one arm around her waist and bent slightly to hook the other around her legs. He lifted her effortlessly and drew her close to him in his arms.

Taylor was still awake enough to place her arms loosely around Ryan's neck as he carried her to their bed and Ryan could hear her mumbling words that didn't make any sense to him.

He softly laid her down and slowly slipped her shoes off her feet; then he unbuttoned her jeans and pulled them down her legs. He pulled the covers up around her and heard her say his name.

"Hey," he whispered back brushing her hair from her face, as her eyes fluttered open.

"Ryan?"

"It's me."

"You weren't here. I was trying to forget." Taylor's eyes fluttered close, as she mumbled, "I'm sorry," before she was taken by sleep.

**TBC**

**I want it, and you know you want to give it to me… hit the button and review, please!**


	12. Take A Deep Breath

Chapter 11

**Hello! So don't know if you guys remember me, or my little story! But yes I'm updating it… it's not very long but it's something. I wanna say a huge thank you to Ave- as always for being my beta and also for taking me back after such a long break of no communication! You know I still love ya hun, and the same goes for Shar… for prodding me back into the Townwood world! And lastly to FroggyJump for sending me a PM and letting me know that I still have readers and people who deserve an update!**

**Phew! A/N over with…on with the show!**

**Enjoy!**

**000000**

**Chapter 11- Take A Deep Breath**

"_Hey," he whispered back brushing her hair from her face, as her eyes fluttered open._

"_Ryan?"_

"_It's me."_

"You weren't here. I was trying to forget." Taylor's eyes fluttered close, as she mumbled, "I'm sorry," before she was taken by sleep.

**000000**

_**A strangled smile fell from your face,**_

_**oh it kills me that I hurt you this way.**_

_**The worst part is that I didn't even know…**_

It was early morning and the light from the rising sun was filtering in through the bedroom window as Ryan watched Taylor as she was sleeping, keeping track of the steady rise and fall of chest as she breathed softly. Smalls sighs escaped her lips every now and then and her brows would furrow. He wondered if she was dreaming and what she was dreaming of. Did it have to do with her apology?

They had moved apart again in the middle of the night. He had tried to reach for her several times during the night, when he had woken and felt cold without her pressed against him, but each time he would wake to find her out of his arms once again. It seemed that was the solution and the problem at the same time, she clearly wanted the space, so he gave it to her but it left him feeling disconnected.

It didn't feel right, and he wanted to know why. But as she was sleeping he wasn't going to be getting his answers anytime soon, so he got up and made his way to the kitchen. The whole time he was thinking about what it was Taylor could have done to feel the need to apologise.

**000000**

She awoke to bright light pouring in from the window. She hated the light, she hated the pounding in her head, she hated the taste in her mouth. She pushed the covers off her hot body and looked to the empty side of the bed.

Last night was a blur, she couldn't even remember getting home let alone into bed, or if she had seen Ryan. She looked around the room and saw a pile of clothes on the floor. Sighing, she stared at them for what felt like forever, before she swung her feet round to sit up on the edge of the bed; never let it be known that a hangover would stop Taylor Townsend from cleaning up, the sarcastic voice in her head chirped. Taylor got up and bent down to pick up her jeans and shoes.

She moved around to the other side of the bed and there on the floor was another set of clothes, she took a deep breath and rubbed her aching forehead as she closed her eyes. Ryan, he must have seen her last night, before or after she got into bed she didn't know. Taylor bent down to pick up his shirt and then again to pick up his trousers, and as she did something fluttered out of the pocket and onto the floor at her feet.

Taylor looked at the folded piece of paper at her feet for a moment, as if surprised by its sudden appearance, before placing the bundle of clothes she had been holding in her arms onto the bed as she retrieved the fallen item.

She couldn't be sure but the paper felt as though it was hot in her hands, that if she opened it, it would burn her to the core. She sat down in the chair on one side of the room and looked at it again, debating with herself as to whether or not to open it. She had never once in their entire relationship looked through Ryan's things. Well, not since it turned out what she believed to be incriminating evidence led to his Dad. Then again, since that moment she never had a reason to go snooping through his things, until now.

In the end curiosity won out and she slowly opened it.

It was a photo, if it had been of anyone else, any other person's photo she may have smiled a little. But she didn't, instead she felt the first sting of tears blur the edges of her vision. The picture of a smiling Therese cradling a screaming Ry in the baby bath blurred as more tears pooled in her eyes. As much as it hurt, Taylor couldn't stop looking at the picture, and the hot tears fell, their tracks burning along her cheeks.

_**Now there's a million reasons for you to go…**_

She watched him staring out the kitchen window above the sink, cradling a cup of steaming coffee, strong, black, just how he liked it, in his hands. He wasn't facing her completely but she could tell that the smallest of smiles was gracing his face.

For an instant she was pulled back to one of their first moments in their apartment together.

**000000**

_She was wearing a pair of his boxers and one of his old college t-shirts. They were in the midst of unpacking still and instead of finding clothes of her own, she had just made use of his. Besides they weren't planning on leaving the apartment at all that weekend, there was no opening the door to visitors, no answering of calls. It was just the two of them._

_She walked into the kitchen to find him nursing a cup of coffee, strong, black, just the way he liked it, and looking out of the window above the sink. She came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his naked torso, pressing herself into him, her cheek resting on his shoulder blade and she took a deep breath._

_She could have happily lived in that moment forever. She closed her eyes and burned the moment to memory._

_His large hand covered her smaller one where it rested on his chest, squeezing just a little._

"_Hey," she could hear the smile in his voice._

"_Hey, yourself." She plucked the cup of coffee out of his hands and stood on tiptoes to drink a bit over his shoulder, before giving it back. "Someone in need of a pick me up this morning?" She teased._

"_Well, after last night, you could say I need some." She hummed against his back as she resumed her previous position and let the feelings of the night before wash over her._

"_Don't think it's over, we still have four more rooms to go."_

"_Four?"_

"_The dining room, living room, hall way and right here, the kitchen." She began to pepper butterfly kisses across his shoulder._

"_You're counting the hallway as a room?" The vibrations from the deep, rough rumble of his voice tingled on her lips._

"_Why not? It's still a place we have yet to christen, so I'm counting it." Her hand moved over the ridges of his stomach, hovering dangerously close to the waistband of his sweat pants. "Wanna get started?"_

"_You not worn out?" He chuckled and she felt the vibrations to her core._

"_Are you?" She countered, and he turned to face her. Placing his coffee on one side, he put his arms around her lazily, his hands resting at the bottom of her spine just above her butt._

"_You're insatiable." Then he kissed her, slow and languidly in the morning sunlight, his hands finding the end of his t-shirt she was wearing. He pulled it higher, breaking their kiss just long enough to pull it over her head. They stood together, in the home they were going to make their own, skin to skin._

_He walked her back to the counter separating the kitchen from the dining room. Carefully lifting her as though she were the most precious thing in the world to him, like one rough move would break her, he placed her on the worktop and settled himself between her thighs. She felt the cool of the marble through the thin material of the boxers she was wearing, but the soft caresses of his hands on her inner thighs warmed her._

_He nudged her head to one side to give him better access to her neck and she was in heaven. He teased her, running his hands up and down her thighs, stopping just short of where she needed him the most. She almost cried when he took his hands away completely._

_He ran his hands up her sides, brushing his thumbs along her ribcage, before he finally cupped her breasts. He returned to kissing her, swallowing all the sounds she made as he brushed her nipples. She pulled him closer with her feet, gaining friction where she needed it the most. Her hands ran down his back to the tops of his trousers and then began pushing them down, using her feet to move them further._

_He kicked off his trousers and pulled back to look at her face. Her eyes were half closed, her face flushed and her lips swollen, and he had never thought she looked more beautiful._

"_Ryan," she almost whimpered. He pulled at the tops of the boxers she was wearing and she lifted her hips to allow him to remove them completely. He bent and kissed her knee, then her inner thigh, his hands once again following closely behind. He stood straight and watched her face as he touched her. She gripped his shoulders and her head fell back._

_She was close and he stopped. He pulled her to the edge of the worktop and once again positioned himself between her legs. He waited for her to look at him, and when her eyes locked with his he thrust forward, joining them together completely. Ryan moved slow at first, taking his time feeling her all around him, until it became too much and the sound of her saying his name over and over again in his ear was too much to bear. His movements became quicker, more erratic as both he and Taylor went over the edge._

**000000**

They had nothing to worry about then, it was a time when they were just blissfully happy. Two people in love, starting out the beginning of their lives together; beginning to build a home.

Now, everything was different, they were in the same room but so far apart. She had stopped being able to talk to him the moment he started keeping things from her, and she knew he had. She saw it on his face after he had come from dinner with Theresa and Ry, the evidence was feeling heavy in her hand.

She knew him, she could read his actions, they spoke so much louder then the words he didn't say. She knew he wanted what she couldn't give him, so she knew what she had to do; to be fair to herself and to him.

She looked down at the picture in her hand once more, just to steady her resolve, carefully folding it along its crease, and putting it in her back pocket before walking into the kitchen fully.

Taylor stood behind one of the bar stools, gripping its steel frame just to stop herself from running into his arms and letting him change her mind. He must have heard her come in as he turned to face her.

She could do this; just take a deep breath and break your heart.

**TBC**

**Um, yeah… so review- please?**


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